MJ saves a Country Boy

I know this entry is long over due. I should have entered this on June 25, 2009. When the world heard the news:

On June 25, 2009 at 2:26pm the King of Pop has died.

It was definitley a sad day in music around the world. His music will live on forever and in our hearts.

I did write this the day after his death when I was telling my children how Michael Jackson has influence the way music videos are done now. If it weren't for Michael, there would be no dancing, he had taken music video to levels that no musician had ever dared to go.

How he affected the lives of many people; some known and some that no one ever notices.

I went on to tell them the story of a transfer student when I was in high school.

Its been over 20 years and I can still remember when the transfer kid came to our school. He was this blond hair, blue eyed Iowa boy who was very shy, quiet and kept to himself. He was definitely the type of kid that would be a target for the school bullies. His attire was that of a straight up country boy; plaid shirt, denim jeans and work boots. We could all picture him working the fields on a farm, chasing pigs, milking cows and stacking hay. He even spoke with a country "twang" and used "Ya'll" alot. He walked around is new environment as if he'd just stepped out onto another planet. From the eyes of a country boy and seeing a beach city school like ours for the first time, i could understand why. Our school was like a scene from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". But that all changed when Michael Jackson gave him confidence to walk around school with his held up high. It was the day he showed up to school with his red leather zippered out jacket, you know the one...the one from "Beat It". Not very much kids had the jacket and I can recall when the toughest break dancin' crew on campus went up to him, everyone thought, 'this poor kid is about to get thrown in a trash can', but instead, one of the breakers extended his to him and said, 'Great jacket man". Michael changed this kid's life in way he'd never know, had it not been for that jacket that poor Iowa boy probably would have had a horrible time in our typical Southern California high school.

You Jumped Too Far!

Years ago there was a Lifetime-ish type of movie I saw. Something about it, after all these years, always has me reference back to it when I talk to my friends or family. I'm going to try to remember as much as I can and what I can't...I'll make up along the way.

It was about a couple whose 20 year wedding anniversay was coming up. The wife was elated and couldn't believe that 20 years had already gone by.

However, she started to notice her husband wasn't being his normal self; he had been very distant and didnt talk much after work. She would notice that he would disappear after receiving phone calls and was very short when asked where he was going. This of course had her very curious; he's never been secretive about his actions.


One day she decides to follow him to see where he'd disappeared to. Trying to play her best spy role, she tries to stay few cars behind him so he wouldn't notice her. She sees him pull up to their frequented restaurant (she smiles, it was there that he had asked her to marry him a lil over 20 years ago), he valets the car and then a stunning brunette greets him at the door and she sees him; kisses her on the cheek and they proceed inside the restaurant. The wife stunned leaves the area and heads home. She believe there is a logical explanation; maybe a client? She decides to wait til her husband comes home as ask him.


About two hours later she hears the door open and she puts on a front as if she had been in the kitchen. "Honey, you're home?" she says acting surprised.


He doesnt make much eye contact, "Uh yeah...I'm beat" he says.

"Oh , I wondered what happened, the phone rang and then you left without saying anything, who was it, everything okay?" She asked trying to make eye contact with him.


"Oh yeah, that, it was Phil from the office, he had a question about a proposal that is due on Monday. So instead of going through it on the phone with him, I went into the office, everythings fine." He said while he was flipping through the mail.


She couldnt believe he just straight out lied to her. She was so shocked at the thought of her husband lying to her.

A few days go by and she gets a call from her husband letting her know that he'll be home late from work and if she could keep his dinner warm.

She decides to follow him again, She drives to his office and waits for him to leave the building. Looking at her watch; she sees her husband's car leave the garage and proceeds to follow him, this time she was more stunned than the first time. He drives to one of the most elite hotels in the city and waiting for him out front was the same woman from the restaurant.

Distraught, the wife decides to get off the car and confront the husband and the mysterious woman. She walks in the lobby looks around and sees them at the front desk and sees the clerk hand them what looks like a key and point to the elevator. The wife just froze she couldnt move. All she kep thinking was "Our 20 year wedding anniversay is this weekend and he decides to start an affair...now.... after 20 years!!"


She heads back to her home contemplating how to handle the situation. Her emotions start to overcome her and the only that came to her mind was.. revenge. That's how she'll handle this...she remembers a saying ..."revenge is best served cold". So, cold it shall be served...he wont know what hit him.

The day of her anniversary, still upset, she decides to go have "me time" and re-evaluate her 20 year old marriage. She stops at a local pub and decides to go in have a drink. She orders her drink and starts the re-evaluation..."How did we get here?" she tells herself. " I thought we were happy, yeah, we had some rough times along the way, but i thought we made it through them fine..why would he do this?" She looks at her reflection in the mirror behind the bar and sees her 45 year old self looking back and she reminds herself of the mysterious woman her husband is having the affair with. She was very beautiful. Late 20's early 30's, brunette with long waving hair, an amazing figure...(probably doesnt have any kids with a body like that)...as she is getting herself all worked up with anger again, a gentleman, very distinguished with a British accent approaches her at the bar.


"Hello, may I buy you a drink" he asks with that Remington Steele accent of his.


She gives a coy smile and accepts. The cold dish has arrived.

An hour of talking had passed and they leave together; she ends up having sex with him and regrets it immediately. She grabs her items and runs out the room.

She gets to her car and begins to break down..."What have I done!?" she yells to herself.


She gets home and wants to change right away, but as soon as she opens the door, she is startled by her husband who is there, waiting.


"Where have you been? I've been here waiting for you. Did you forget we had reservations at the restaurant?" he asks sounding annoyed.


Then she remembered he made reservations for their anniversary at an exclusive restaurant that has a year long waiting list.

On their previous anniversary she told him how she would love to eat at that restaurant one day. She remembers how excited she was when he told her that he was taking her there for their 20th wedding anniversary. Wow! how the dynamics of a relationship can change.


She decides to pretend for the night and then she'll talk to him about a divorce tomorrow.

She tries to go upstairs to change and then he stops her, "Where are you going?" he says sounding irritated.



In a calm voice, she replies, "Upstairs to change" she looks down at herself and looks at what she is wearing, "I feel under dressed for that place" but the real reason was she still had the smell of her mistake on her and wanted to wash it off immediatley.

"There's no time, you look fine" he says, "We've been on this list for a year and if we're late they're going to give our table away, grab your stuff" he sounding more annoyed with every word.


She gives up and gets in the car; she doesn't say much on the way to the restaurant. On route to it they pass the restaurant where she first sees her husband and the mysterious woman and she gets queezy.


Then her husband breaks the silence. "Damn!" he yells.

"What?" she questions.

He replies, "I forgot i needed to see a client to give him the projections for his company, i was caught up waiting for you, that i completely forgot and he has an early AM flight. Damn!"


Not really in the mood to have this anniversary dinner, she tells him, "You have the projections with you?"

He nods and points to the back seat. She looks back and sees the envelope.

"Well, looks like we still have some time, is it on our way?" she asks.

Again he nods and says "Yeah, he staying at the Grand Marquis, do you mind?"


Her stomach is beginning to get real upset when she hears "The Grand Marquis"...that was the hotel she followed her husband and his mistress to. She wanted to say "Hell no"..but she wasnt ready to say anything to him just yet, so she agrees.

They park in the garage, she tells her husband she'll wait in the car.


He looks at her puzzled, "Dont be silly, first of all, its hot down here and secondly, I dont know what room he is in so it may take a while, come on". He grabs the projections and goes to her side of the car to open the door for her.


Feeling against her will; she gets out of the car and follows him to the hotel.

They arrive in the lobby and she looks around the hotel, this is a truly magnificant hotel. In the lobby is a huge opera like chandelier, crimson red carpet, chaise lounges positioned strategically throughout the lobby; you feel like royalty when you step through the doors. Although, thats not how she felt the first time she entered through those doors.

She and her husband walk up the counter, he asks, "Yes, Im here to see Mr. Walker. He's expecting me."


The young lady smiles at both of them, and replies, "Yes Sir, he called down and informed us of your arrival, please take the elevator on the left to the 2nd floor, once the doors open; his suite is directly in front; the one with double doors."


He smiles back and says "Thank you".

She and her husband do as the clerk instruct. As they are in the elevator she feels as if she wants to throw up, visons of her husband making love to this woman is driving her crazy. The elevator doors open and as the young clerk stated the suite with the double doors were in front.



Her husband knocks on the door and they hear a faint, "Come in". He opens the door and its extremely dark and then all of a sudden all the lights flash on and a loud "Surprise!" roars through the room.



She looks around the room and its a ball room that is decorated for a celebration, on one of the walls there is a sign that says, "Happy 20th Wedding Anniversary". She looks into the crowd and sees all her family members, his co-workers, and then she sees HER.

The husband gives her a kiss and hug. keeping her in his embrace.

He looks down at her overjoyed he asks, "Honey, are you surprised? You have no idea how hard it was to keep this from you. Let me introduce to the coordinator, she did an amazing job..." He looks towards the myterious woman, " Sheila," He motions for her to come over.

"Hello, its so nice to finally meet you." Sheila extends her hand to her and she is introduced.



Sheila goes on to tell her, "Your husband wanted everything to be perfect for you, he even had the restaurant, that he proposed to you at, cater the event. Let me tell you that was a feat in itself. When i called to request that they cater, the owner said they do not cater any events. I had to call your husband and have him meet me there and explain to the owner how important this was. You truly have a devoted husband."

She feels her walls coming crashing in and in a low voice to her husband she, says, "you should have told me."

Her husband smiling, says, "what? tell you? I wanted it to be a surprise".

She looks into the crowd and sees her best friends, and she tells them "you should have told me"
One of them answers, "don't look at us, we were just as surprised as you when we were told to meet at this address"

Her husband interjects and says, "are you kiddin? if i told any of them it wouldnt have been a surprise. You're surprised! I could see it" smiling, knowing that he just conquered what seemed impossible to do.

He then shouts into the crowd, "You see everyone I told you she'd be surprised, this has to the first time in 20 years that she is speechless, i did real good!!"

Everyone cheered him on and she is trying to stop him from his excitement.
"Stop...please stop.. you should have told me," she continues in a low voice so no one can hear her.

"What are you talking about?" he says.

Then she proceeds to tell him what she percieved.

"I..I ..thought...you were distant, not saying much, when i asked questions you were short" she begins to explain.

" well, yeah...it was all part of the surprise, i had to keep it from you; just didn't think i did that great of a job." he says has he hugs her tighter.

"Then I...followed you to the restaurant...i saw Sheila..but didnt think a whole lot about it...but then i followed you again and I saw you meet her in the lobby.. here, at this hotel...and .." She's feeling so overwhelmed as the words are leaving her mouth; she slowly tries to loosen his clasp.

Her husband now goes from a look of excitement to one of being concerned.

"Go on..." he says as he pulls away from the embrace.

"And...i thought...i thought you were having an affair...you should have told me!" She cries.

The husband with a look of disgust says, "what did you do?"

She kept saying, "you should have told me!"

The husband then grabs her by both arms, and begins to shout, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!!!!"

"I cheated on you today" she cries.

He lets her go and she drops to her knees.

He starts to walk away from her but before he leaves, he turns back to her and says,

"For 20 twenty years I have done nothing but try to make you happy. I have given you everything your hearts content. I thought we were happy. Every morning i would wake up and thank God that He made YOU for ME. This morning I especially thanked Him, that He had blessed us to make it to 20 years and that I was more in love with you today than when i proposed to you at that restaurant 20 years ago; something i didnt think would be possible. You were my best friend, I thought you wanted to grow old with me. I thought we would retire in Venice; like we always talked about. I never decieved you. All you had to do was come talk to me. All you had to do was tell me what was going through your mind. I would have told you about the surprise; i would rather you know about the party than you thinking I betrayed you. For 20 years i gave you my all, why would you automatically believe that I would do something so reprehensible as cheat on you?"

Then he dropped the envelope,that had what she though was the projections, on her lap. She opened it and saw that it was a deed to a villa in Venice in both their names with a note that said,

"20 years and still going strong...ready to retire with me in Venice? Happy Anniversary, I love you"


****I hope this reminds alot of you to ask questions before assuming the worse. You'll be able to save yourself a lot of heartache if you know exactly what you need answered before you've jumped too far!

Chicana Artist-Margaret Garcia

"Comida de Verano"

The Insight to my Childhood

On August 29th, 2009, my friend Roberto invited me to go to a gallery showing of one of his Artist at his gallery in Los Angeles. I hadnt been to a gallery opening in years and thought I needed to get out more and open my self to new things.



When I turned 40, I told myself I would try new adventures and then write about what I had experienced. So luckily, Roberto invited me while I made this new pact to myself.



The name of the artist was Margaret Garcia and her showing was called, "Second Sight". I was in awe when I saw the paintings. The use of color was so amazing; it took me back to my childhood.

"Sergio"

Walking throughout the gallery I saw several pictures that surfaced so many memories and emotions. The picture above, I knew I was meant to see, especially when I saw that the name of the painting was "Sergio". It reminded me of my own brother, Sergio. I look at the painting of this young boy who has so much promise and potential, unfortunately, he doesn't believe it.

I look into his dark black eyes and I see the same look that my own brother gives me. Instead of seeing hope and faith; I see despair and pain. As a big sister, the last thing I'd ever want for any of my brothers to feel is...pain; I didn't know how to relieve it.

If this painting had me feeling like this straight out the box, what were the other going to do to me? Looking around the gallery; I was about to find out.

"Preciosa"

The painting above reminded me when we were kids and we would go to Baja to visit family. The local restraunts had hostess' dress in long red dresses with a rose in their hair. Seeing this picture took me right back to that time. Seeing the "nopales"..the cactus... in the picture reminded me when my Mom and I would talk about certain people and I'd say, "they say their not Mexican" and she'd reply, "Psh...por favor ("Pa-lease"), not Mexican, you can see the pinchi nopal on their forehead"...which was a saying she and my Tias would use when someone tried to deny their Mexican heritage. She said the nopal (cactus) was a symbol of our Mexican heritage. Seeing those cactus' just made me laugh to myself as I remembered those several conversations; and how much I missed her.

"Melissa con Almohada"

This one made me feel secured. I thought back to being a child and feeling bad or hurt and finding comfort in my pillow. The pillow was my friend...it held my tears when i would cry, my teeth marks when I was angry and couldn't release it any other way. The pillow would listen to me when i needed to speak or yell and the pillow would never talk back. And if it did, I would have been checked into a hospital for not being in my right mind...(*giggle). The other day I was watching Jennifer Garner in "13 going on 30", you know the one, where she plays a 13 year old who wishes she was 30 and wakes up to her wish coming true, but freaks out when she finds out her male best friend and she are no longer friends...she asks for water and a big fluffy pillow. The feeling she felt holding the pillow was that of "Melissa and her almohada"...comfort and security.



"Unknown"

This one above didnt have a name, this is why I named it "unknown". She was so beautiful; she reminded me of the murals that the neighborhood homeboys would have painted on their Monte Carlos and Cadillacs. Looking at her, I thought this is what a "Latin Queen" looked like; what my Mother looked like in heaven.

SoulHipJaFunk captures my Soul; The music of BTS

Balance and the Traveling Sounds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLvPsVpyriA&feature=related

Im still figuring out how to put videos on this blog, but click on this link, this has to be my favorite song on the cd, "Music ft Angelica", the way KIRB decribes his dedication to Music is how I feel when I write.

Hello My readers,

I need to tell you a new group I have been turned onto: Balance and The Traveling Sounds also known as BTS. Their music style is a fusion of Soul, Hip Hop, Jazz and Funk. Yes, you read right, they have fused all four genres into a new genre of music called SoulHipJaFunk...one word..SICK!!

The group consists of: KIRB, the MC, EBO-the producer (does all the Beats) Alvin- the vocals, Ryan Kern on guitar, Jell Kolhede on sax, Julian Hogan on drums and Blake Estrada on the bass.

I've known KIRB's Godmother for years and the first time I heard him "spit" was at birthday party about two years ago. I remember hearing him freestyle thinking, "Wow, he can really flow" not knowing that he had been doing his music for years.

When I was first told that KIRB and a group of his friends did a CD, my thought was "I'm not that much into Chicano Rap", but I would support because he was, after all like family, and get a CD.

I hadn't listened to the CD when I first recieved it, my daughter had gone on vacation to New York and when she came back she asked me, "Ma' did you listen to Adrian's (KIRB) CD" "No, not yet, I need to be in the mood to listen to it" I replied, remember..I thought I'd be listening to Chicano Rap.

"Its real good, when i was in New York, I listened to it everynight to sleep to" she said.

Sleep to? Who sleeps to Chicano Rap?

"You slept to it?" I replied rather shocked.

"Listen to it" she insisted. She grabbed my iPod and downloaded the CD and handed me the head phones.

Then I heard the intro of someone putting in a tape deck asking if it was the beginning..then the music started and then the beats..KIRB started with "BTS...BTS...BTS...the sunrises at the crack of dawn..." then the sultry voice of Alvin jumps in "..another life is lost where do we pick where we left off.."

WHAT? This sounded nothing like Chicano Rap...how did I sleep on this CD?

Listening to a few more bars...I was HOOKED...my favorite line in this song is when Alvin sings..."like moments captured in your mind, just press play, fast forward and rewind." "...Let Balance and Traveling Sounds move you..." you definitely hear all the genres when listening to this song... they demonstrate what that new sound is..and it's called SoulHipJafunk!!!!

I listen to the rest of the CD..and I have to say...it do not have one song that I did not like.

The song that really "moved" me, if you will, was Music ft Angelica. Listening to KIRB's dedication to Music, reminded me why I love writing so much. If there was theme song to when my paper and pen meet or when I begin to hit the keys on my laptop to express my emotions....this would be the song.

Most artist when creating their CD's and selecting which songs would be hits, usually out of 15 tracks...maybe you'll get 4 or maybe even 5 tracks that'll be hits (that's if they are lucky). But this CD...I liked ALL 15 tracks. Yes, I have my favorites...Intro (SoulHipJaFunk), Sounds Travel, Fell Down, Rain, Don't Stop, and Music.

This was why Michael Jackson's, Thriller did so well...nearly every song on that CD was a smash

I cannot wait to see the success of this group flourish...and they will.

To BTS..... much success!

*Note: If you want a more technical review of the CD check out BaLAance & the Traveling Sounds blog at : http://www.soundstravel.blogspot.com/

You can listen to more of their music at: http://www.myspace.com/balance123

I'd like to read your thoughts on them, please comment.

I AM a Goddess!

This picture sybolizes everything I think of when I say..

"I AM a Goddess"


I had been having writer's block, some time ago and i did not know what to do. I want to finish my book and I figured I just need to get some inspiration; so I called out to Mi Gente and My comadre said "turn to my inner Goddess and ask myself, "Why am I a Goddess?"

Hmmm, this one had me a bit stumped...so i started to think...Why AM I a Goddess...?"

Had she asked Why do i consider myself a Reina? I could answer that without thinking twice. "I AM Reina because I expect to be treated as a Queen should be: with respect, with love, with courtesy, with admiration, for my children: with FEAR!"

See...that wasnt a problem...pero...a Goddess?...not as quickly. So me, being the writer I am, I needed to do some research before answering the question.

Therefore I researched..."What IS a Goddess?"Webster's dictionary had this for a defination: actually two:

1. A female god 2. a woman whose great charm or beauty arouses adoration.

Interesting.

Then I found some more, here are other definations I found on sites like Wikipedia:

*A female god; A human female honored or adored as physically attractive or of superior charm and intelligence; A human female revered as divine, as in the case of the Germanic prophetess Veleda of the first century AD

*A wight of exeptional ability or power, which is divine. Intimately connected with the land, or a people, or some archetypal ability or practice. In Asatru, every thing, every person, every concept even has a god.

*Goddess is a diety; a diety is any supernatural being worshipped as controlling some part of the world or some aspect of life or who is the personification of a force

*A powerful entity that possesses numerous miraculous powersAfter carefully reviewing each of these definitions and how they pertain to me, I answered:

“I am a Goddess because I have the power to connect with anything, anybody or any place I encounter,
I am a Goddess because I am Fearless…ready to take on the world!
I am a Goddess because my loyalty runs deeper than any valley in existence, (ah, the Lioness in me)
I am a Goddess because I am a Mother…pretty miraculous.. if you ask me…
I am a Goddess because I am admired,
I am a Goddess because I am despised,
I am a Goddess because I am loved,
I am a Goddess because I am hated,
I am a Goddess because I am respected,
I am a Goddess because I am feared,

I have come to the conclusion that I am a Goddess because……I AM a Friggin Reina!!!!!

This Place

****Below is the something I wrote on a whim when i went to register for a creative writing class.at the local college. I did this thinking I had submit some of my creative work in order to take the class. Turns out that that wasnt a prerequisite...but English 101 was.

Enjoy...I still get goosebumps everytime I read this.

This Place

Something about this place helps me find serenity. I feel so relaxed when I enter the door, as old friends welcome me while new ones are introduced. This Place takes me to areas I've never been before and reminds me of areas I'd like to revisit.

I head upstairs, to the right, then straight ahead, my childhood awaits me. I laugh to myself as I hear the Mad Hatter chuckles to Alice, "Where's your hat?"

I hear a voice call me from behind, I get up, walk to the left and then I'm reminded of how excited I was when I became a "young lady" an excitement that started with, "Are you there God, It's me!"

Oh! How I love this Place, it helps me to escape the world I so desperately would like to run away from. Helping me to become someone else, if not for eternity but for a few hours. In those hours I AM that cinder girl who finds her prince, the southern belle who begs the world "as God is her witness she'll never go hungry" or the journalist who has five amazing chicas in her life she calls Sucias.

I hear voices from the past and present keep callng for me. They tell me, scream at me, "Remember Us!!"

"Remember how I fought for women's equal rights!", one exclaims.

Another whispers, "Remember, when I marched to D.C. and told the world of a Dream I had".

Then the sofest voice I ever heard, but yet so loud says, "John 3:16".

I'm reminded, "For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life"

"Yes, Remember us all, listen to our words, feel our pain, live our lives, so you may live your life with more abundance"

Yes, this Place reminds me of where I've been and where I'm headed.

Oh, this Place, I do try to visit every chance I get. I want to meet the new additions to the family, a family I hope to become part of one day.

Before I walk out, I search the list, a list that says my friend made it ..........

NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER

Paper Cuts!

I'm sitting here at work...on my break of course...and people watching. I see hostile tension between co-workers, the comadarie between others...then I see "them"...the couple that thinks that no one in the office knows are a couple...yiiiiyah..rrrright...no one can see the eye glances, or the slight touch of the shoulder, or how when you laugh; you feel the need to touch him with each giggle...you're right...no one notices because you hide it soo well.



My readers, this brings me to an interesting topic; have you ever worked somewhere and started up an office romance? Well I have been down this road...some ended amicably and well...others... not so kindly.



First, you have your interview...when asked, "Would you like a tour of the office?" You first instinct is, "Hell ya, i wanna see what type of people work here! Are the girls fashionable? Are the guys good looking? How about my boss?" Without realizing it, in the back of your mind, you're wondering if you'll be hookin up with any one; BEFORE you're even offered the job. But of course, you smile nicely and say, "Yes, a tour would be nice of, what would hopefully be my new work environement" you chuckle, the HR director chuckles and proceeds with the tour. She takes you through the orientation suite, then the break room, you stop at the IT office...you check it out, look around, but no one is there..then tour around the floor, look into the offices; see some good looking people. Lastly, to make it back to the receptionist area, thank the HR Director for their time and go home and cross your fingers for THEEE Phone call.


Well, congratulations, you got the job! Your first day is Monday and it so happens to be that there is a company meeting that day. Nice...you'll be able to scope everyone out and see if there are any potential datable people. You make eye contact with one good looking fella'; he smiles, you smile and then, without thinking...you wink at him, he gives you a coy smile while he blushes. Then, wouldn't luck have it, you're on the same team; you'll be working side by side with this cute guy.


Meeting is adjourned and off to the desk, that will be your new "home" for 40 hours a week. You meet your new collegue, you extend your hand and with poise introduce yourself, " Hi I'm Pandora". He smiles, you can see he likes your confidance, turns over to you and shakes your hand and says "Hi, I'm Adam".

Mmm Adam, you check him out from head to toe, dark hair, dark eyes, built like an adonis...oh..to see this man, you would think the Statue of David was a replica of THIS man...oh yummy..he's well dressed in a nice pinstripe suit, pale blue shirt, no tie....you make your way down to his feet and see that he's finished off the beautiful suit with wingtip shoes and while scoping out his shoes; you begin to pray to the fashion gods, that he's wearing...BINGO!! Black socks! To me it is such a turn off when a man wears white socks with EVERYTHING!!!

His handshake is firm, it says he isn't afraid to treat you like an equal not like a dainty flower with a whimpy handshake. I personally cant stand those type of handshakes...i like to be taken seriously...a strong, firm handshake says it "...I'M HERE FOR BUSINESS!!"

So, Adam begins to train you, shows you all that needs to be done so the team is successful. You catch on the his flirtatious attitude and just like an archer looking for a bullseye, you find your mark, only you're the arrow and he's the bullseye.

You begin to learn the business and go to him for everything, even for the most tideous things; just to be near his "aroma". Your heart starts to skip a beat when he comes near your desk, you think he's coming to talk to you, only to see that he has to pass your desk to get to the community fax. Oh, Adonis Adam...notice me, because you will be mine.

He starts to ask you out to lunch, you play coy and decline the first two times he asks, saying you had prior plans but "maybe next time". "Keep him interested" you tell yourself, "you dont want to play too hard to get". So, when next time happens to come around, you decide to invite him for lunch. Unlike you, he gladly accepts, you go out to lunch and people from the office start to notice that you two are becoming "friendly". Then the stares, whispering and snickering begin. You tell yourself, "who cares nothing is happening; even if there was, its none of their business"

He starts to slack off at work,but you dont care, because look at him...he is FINE!!! You decide to cover for him. When upper management assigns a report to be completed by the end of the week, just like a school girl meeting up with her high school crush, you get all giddy because you'll be working late nights with him. You work 12 hour days to get the report completed, Adonis Adam hadn't worked one hour of overtime...as soon as quitting time strikes, he hits the door without so much as offering to help complete the report.

You thought the late nights would spark up the romance between you two, but all you have to show for those late nights are not the sensual glow of a woman being with her adonis, but rather countless papercuts from trying to get the report completed by the deadline.

Since there wasnt much for him to do and you decide to get bold...you ask him if he'd like to go out for drinks. You know it was a rough week (mainly for you since you did all the work) and figured this is exactly what you needed to get the edge off. He accepts and says, "I know just the right spot"...you take that as an enuendo and reply, "First, you'll need to buy me a drink before you try to find the right spot" and then wink at him. A smile comes across his face...HOOKED! "I got him interested" you think to yourself.

The night is definitely eventful. What started out as a couple of drinks, turned into tequila shots being thrownback left and right. Your confident because you can handle your liquor which has him more intrigued with you. Then he goes for it...steals a kiss. But is really stealing when you know you would have been very willing to give it to him? One thing leads to another and you wake up in a hotel room. Passed out beside you is Adonis Adam, he's sound alseep, you slowly run your fingers down his body..thinking out of all the men in the office to date, you got THIS man. Then...something overcomes you and you have the urge to look through his wallet. Call it intuition or maybe plan ass noseyness, but you know it'll eat at you if you dont. You slide out of bed trying not to wake him and reach for his pants to get his wallet and notice that his phone is vibrating. You pick it up to see the caller ID and across the screen says, "WIFEY"...WHAT!!??? Frantically you pull out the wallet and as you flip the wallet open, you hope it will only be his driver's license...no...its a wedding picture of him and his "WIFEY". You grab the phone and throw it at his head and wake him..." What the hell!!!" He screams. You respond in a calm voice,"Oh, my bad...I thought maybe you'd want to answer the phone call from your WIFE!!!!" you shout.

You grab your clothes and run to the bathroom and begin to cry...as the tear falls from your eye, down your cheek it strikes right down on one of your papercuts; stinging it. You grab your finger and squeeze it to stop the stinging. All you can think about was: What was work going to be like on Monday!

So, my readers...please think twice before starting off an office romance, because if not careful, you just might end up with a papercut!

Someone was able to capture my first 40 years in...."A Time Comes"

This was forwarded to me and it was an amzing read; kudos to the unknown autther. This sums up exactly whay I felt when I woke up to my 40th birthday. Hope you all enjoy it as much as i did. All i can say is..."GWOW!!!"

A Time Comes

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ? ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes and you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to respect your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world, and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love; romantic love and familial love. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that love is a verb, it is action. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less.

And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise--to never betray yourself. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live, as best as you can.


****NOTE: Again, please let me disclose I am not takingin credit for this; I did not write this (oh, how I wish I had, it says everything I had been trying to put down on paper for quite some time...whomever the author is, "I thank you")

A New "Leo" Gift to the World

The Pied Piper of Babies

Isis seems to have a way with babies, they just love her.



I'm so excited that my Bestest's son was born, August 8, 2009. We went to go see them at the hospital on my birthday, talk about a great gift. He turned to me and said, " I know you said you wanted a baby girl on your birthday, but would you settle for a baby boy the day before?"

Look at him, how is that settling? He's beautiful!! No matter when the baby was born, that is not settling, that is a precious gift...I would have been thrilled no matter the month or day he was born.

Congrats my Bestest!! Love you!

Three Forty One

It is the eve of my 40th Birthday. My friends and family came out to celebrate this milestone in my life last night, actually…wait… it was two nights ago. We had a flashback to the 80’s party, as you all read earlier in the blog and we had a ball. It was great seeing old friends, some whom I haven’t seen in years and the new ones came out to celebrate as well. Not to even mention family members whom I haven’t seen in months, My Auntie Eva came out from Idaho to celebrate with me and my brother, it was a perfect touch to a perfect celebration.
However, I couldn’t help feeling a bit saddened, one person especially didn’t make it to see this milestone happen….my Mother.


I’d received a call from my Comadre Jenny two days before the event, she was to fly out for the party, however, the call was not to give me flight information but to tell me that due to circumstances beyond her control, she was unable to make it. When I heard her finish telling me the news a huge wave of emotion consumed me. I tried to fight the tears and then she said, “Coma’ go ahead and let them out, I know because I did the same.” Just like someone turning on a faucet, I began to sob. I told her in between the tears, “I didn’t think it would affect me like this”. We spoke some more and then we hung up, but not before we said our “I love you’s” …just as we’ve always have because you never know if that’ll be last conversation you ever have with that person.

After the phone call I sat and cried some more, I was baffled as to why I reacted the way I had.
Then it hit me…this is the first birthday without my Mom. A lot of people have told me that the first holidays after a loved one has passed away are the toughest.

The first holiday was her birthday, it was two days after she passed away, but we didn’t grieve, we actually had a birthday dinner for her and celebrated her life, so we still felt a strong presence with us that day.



Then came Mother’s day, yeah, that one was tough; we only stayed long enough for me to give her and my grandmother flowers. The minute I saw the marker where she was buried, I started crying. I looked at my husband and kids and told them, “we need to go” and we left.

Fourth of July came around and 3 of my 4 brothers were with my family and I. We went to our old neighborhood for the Fourth of July firework show. Everything was fine…we had spent the earlier part of the day swimming and then taking long walk to grab some lunch. We returned back to our site where we had setup our chairs to watch the show; we sat to eat and the band started playing. We always liked hearing the band, they played great cover music and we just enjoy ourselves and watching people around us dance and sing along…then it happened. A few cords were played and I knew the song immediately; I felt like the dog that was trained to hear a bell and his mouth started salivating because he knew it was time to eat. For me, it was when I heard “Brown Eyed Girl” that my eyes would tear up and the vision of my Mom in the hospital telling me “My Brown Eyed Girl...every time you hear that song you think of me, okay? I love you”…I turned to my brothers and all three of them must have had the same memory because they too had tears in their eyes. Then to try to make light of it, we all reminded each other of how we spent last Fourth of July in Huntington Beach and how pissed Mom was because she had to walk so far to get to where we were and it was blazing hot. She wanted to kill all of us; we all remembered how she looked at us that day and we just started chuckling about it. Had we known then that we weren’t going to have her with us this Fourth of July, we would have had someone carry her to us, so she would have not had to walk in the heat!

My brother Sergio was the first of us to have his first birthday without Mom. At the party I wanted to know what that felt like. “Brother, this has been bitter sweet since Mom is not here. Since you were the first one to have the first birthday without her, was it hard?”He looked at me and said, “you know Sis, I aint gonna lie…its been tough and I try not to think of it, because if I do, it reminds how I missed her funeral and pain surfaces again. I like to think it’ll get easier, she made was strong, right?” He was right and I told him, “She made us each strong but the five of us together…she made us invincible!!” then he kissed me on my cheek and wished me a happy early birthday.

Then it was Frankie’s turn, the next to experience his first birthday without her. Since the party was on his actual birthday, we didn’t get a chance to talk about it. I do know however, that he was thinking about it because he went to the cemetery to visit her earlier in the day for his birthday before the party started. …which I thought wasn’t a bad idea.
I suppose for me it’s been especially hard because ever since I could remember, every year my Mom would always wake me up the middle of the night to wish me ‘Happy Birthday’; when I was old enough to ask why she always did that, she said, “I always want to be the first to wish you happy Birthday, Mija...it was August 9, 1969 at 3:41 am that you were born. As long as God gives me strength to wake up every year at that time, I will always be the first to wish you happy Birthday.

Since then, no matter where I was on my birthday, whether I was home asleep, I’d get woken up or if I was out for my birthday…there would be note on my bed waiting for me…”its 3:41am, you weren't here, but I wanted to be the first one, Happy Birthday My Brown Eyed Girl”, I’m bummed that I never saved any of those notes. I would have loved to have been able to place those in my scrapbook.

As the years went on, she didn’t have the strength to do it anymore, so I would get phone calls later and later in the day. Now with her being gone, the phone calls at 3:41 am or 3:41 pm will be no more…and that’s hard to accept.

Now as I’m typing this blog entry I look at the clock and its 3:40am, I look at my bedroom door and hoping that at 3:41am she’ll be coming through that door to wake me up and be the first to wish me Happy Birthday. I’m not delusional I know that’ll never happen; I have a better chance of going to sleep and wait for her to appear to me and tell me, “My Brown Eyed Girl made it to 40, Happy Birthday, Mija”

I thought my first Mother’s Day was bad….but I would have to say…no…it’s definitely my first birthday without her….now, that’s tough.

80's Throwback Pix

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The Nerd I married, he was such a good sport about us dressing him up.

The shirt I had made for the evening read:

"La Reina turns 40"

One of the group shots featuring, Valley Girls, Rockers and Nerds... Oh MY!!

"David Lee Roth" and his groupie

Isis and Natty...hip hop and pop together

Ah... the women of the Clicka

My Bestest and I start off the Soul Train line..

showing dem young'stas' how its done..


That's right
"Its my Birfday I'm Shorty its my Birfday"

I wish you all enough!!!!
Love you!

*Note: More pix from the evening..are posted on my Facebook

80's Throwback Birthday Bash

Our Birthday cake, couldnt afford the 80's bday cake i saw, so I improvised. Included MJ (RIP) and of

course the infamous

AQUA NET!!

Hello Hello The 80's throwback bash...was a SMASH!!

My Brothe Frankie turned 35 on the day of the event (August 7), my 40th bday is tomorrow (Ausgust 9)...we did it like our Moms use to do whe she celebrated our milstone bdays...TOGETHER. The invite list consisted of 100 people, about 80% showed up AND showed out!! The 80's gear every one wore brought back so much memories, ones that I thought I had forgotten until last nite.

The first part of the of the day was a bit rough that I contemplated cancelling the event...sooo glad i didn't. I needed it very much and from the pictures so did alot of people.

The picture I used for this poster was taken at our Mothers memorial service, we were remembering a funny moment about our Mom and our Cousin Judy captured this shot...talk about perfect!

Since this was a combo bday bash, I needed a birthday sign that rep'd both of us. The Birthday poster was just what I was looking for. I surprised my brother with it...and he was.

The DJ for the eveing was DJ Streek (Henry Martinez) those of you who went to high school with us, know that having DJ Streek on a flyer would insure a big turnout for your hoiuse parties. So, I knew when i decided to do the throwback, iut would be featuring my boy!! As my daughter says, "Henry killed it with the music" (Trust...this is a HUGE compliment from a 16 year old)

As people started to arrive, we saw..."NERDS" (Actually, only one Nerd), "Easy E & Dr. Dre", "David Lee Roth & one of his groupies", lots of Valley Girls, some 80's Hootchie Mamas, a "Latoya Jackson", (yes, she was very 80's)we had Hip Hop B-boys, some prep boys with their collars popped up and even a "Carlton" was their...a bit taller than the original.

Due to the sound ordinace (yes...sound ordinace...damn haters ) we had to shut it down, with the last song being played by 11:30pm...

We had to end right...with a Soul Train Line....What did we stroll to...none other than Jamaica Funk!!!
It definitley was a memorable nite and with the way my brithers and I started out new year, this was what we needed.

Thank you who were there and those of you that were not able to make it...I would have no problem re-creating the evening again. Enjoy the pcitures.

This picture was taken outside my house the day after my Mom passed away. I lived on my street for three years and I never noticed that the leaves changed colors, til the morning after.

****I noticed that the last blog I posted was about my Mom's passing. I came across something I had written the day after, that I wanted to share with all of you.****

January 2, 2009 7:31am

Have you ever looked at a tree and compared it to your own life.

Ever notice the similarities?

When your happy and full of spirit; you walk tall and want to spread your limbs as a tree does when its cared for.

A tree goes through so many changes as each year goes by.

It starts its life as a seed and with watering and nuturing it makes its life into this amazing piece of nature that helps gives us shade in the summer, becomes shelter when its raining and a friend that we want to lean upon when needed to write, read or think.

During all this time as the hottest fashion runways change with each season so do the colors of the leaves.

We see them change from from a hunter green to burnt orange then to finally make their way down to the ground.

January 1, 2009 9:50pm was when the last leaf fell from my mothers tree.

She had been ill for some time and we were trying to coach her back to recovering; so her leaves would make it to that bright hunter green color they once use to be.

Unfortunately it was time for my mom to go back home to our Creator.

This is loss that has become so unbearable that I am thankful for my friends, my brothers, my husband and children to help me cope.
They have all, in some way, have helped to insure that my leaves will stay some sort of green.

The Day Her Brown Eyes Turned Blue

****NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN 19 DAYS AFTER MY MOM'S DEATH...ITS JUST TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO GET THE STORY OUT*****

Yes, you read right? My Mother passed away, January 1, 2009 at 9:50 pm, even though her death certificate will say 10pm, my brothers and I know better...we were there.


Those of you who know me, know my Mother had been ill for quite sometime and it was just a matter of time before I had to deliver this news. I wasn't ready to write about it earlier and frankly, I still don't think I am, but I'm going to try.



It started New Year's Eve, December 31st, 2008, it was bitter sweet...my Bestest had announced earlier in the day that he and his wife were expecting their 2nd child...due date? August 9th (you all know I was excited to hear that!) my brothers left to spend the New Year with my Aunties (all four of them) since Mom had been sick she wasn't fit to travel long distance, so My family and I stayed at home with her. (another year with Dick and Ryan...no big deal) I remember her saying..."Mija, just give me a vicodin and I'll knock out and be out of your hair." Just like her...to try not to be a burden to me. Through the night, she had been complaining of pain her leg and I gave her another Vicodin...hoping it would ease her pain. I should have seen it as a red flag, but i was so tired I just wanted to get some sleep. You see one of us had to sleep next to her just in case she woke up in the middle of the night and needed something, since by brothers were with our family in Riverside...it would be me to stay with her. The moaning just kept up and I was getting so frustrated cause i was sooo tired. I snapped at her a couple of times, something to this day I dont think i could ever forgive my self for. Finally dawn broke and I had no choice but to take her back to the hospital, she had requested that my brothers come and get her and I told her that since they had all been drinking that didnt make sense..I would take her. Michael called by brother and told him to meet us at the hospital..he would later be the one to make all the decisions...possibly one of the hardest decisions that any of us would ever be faced with.

All the way to the hospital she had been complaing of the pain and i snapped at her...again and told her that I was driving as fast as I could to get her there. You see I lived in South Orange County and I had to take to Moreno Valley..not exactly a 15 minute drive.

We arrived at the hospital and my brother was waiting for us outside. He told me to go get some sleep and he'll take care of everything from there. i just glared at him thinking, "Yeah, you got to enjoy your New Year while I had to deal with all this...as usual..figures" at that point i was relieved that he was going to take care of it. I told him I would sleep in the car for a bit til we hear from the doctor exactly what is wrong with her. That was at 9:05am.


I slept for about 15 minutes...needed to find out if everything was okay. I went back into the emergency where they had her and I could hear her moaning, "It hurts It Hurts" I thought she was being over dramtic has she always had been my entire life. I rolled my eyes and asked my brother what did the doctor say. He says, they are waiting to calm her down first before doing any tests. I looked over at her and yelled at her, "Mom, you need to calm down so we can figure what is wrong!" She looked at me with tears and cried, "I know but it really hurts!!!" The nurse then interjected and told my Mom they were going to be giving her some pain medication to relieve some of the pain she was experiencing.


My brother could see the frustration and told me to go home, get some sleep and just to make sure I come back. I told him I would, I looked over at Mom at that moment and saw how fragile and weak she looked...then I choked and my eyes filled with tears...what was wrong with me? I went up to her kissed her on the forehead and apologized, "Mami I am sooo sorry, please forgive me!" She looked up at me and said, "My Brown Eyed Girl...no need to say yur sorry..I know you were tired"

I said bye to my brother and told him i'd be back later. I cried all the way home. I got home and slept for about and hour or so..it felt like 5 minutes. I could hear Michael talking to someone, "Yeah, she still sleeping...I'll tell her..is there anything else...?" At that moment i woke up and asked him who it was..."Its your brother" he said.


"I'll take the call, give the phone...please" I asked as I motioned for him to hand over the phone.


Half asleep, I answered, "Dude..whats up?, everything okay?"


"yeah, just wanted to see what time you were heading back here...get some sleep..i just wanted to know when i could expect you"


I cleared my throat and told him, "Im on my way..I just woke up, Im good..how is she?"


"They moved her up to ICU, just get here as soon as you could, okay" he had this sort of worried toned when he asked me to come back.


"Im on my way..." then i hung up and jumped into the car.



I had driven the distance to the hospital a hundred times but it never seemed as long as it did right that this moment. About 30 minutes into the driving...it was about 4pm...my cell phone rang and looked down to see who it was...it was my ex sister in law, Brandy.

I answered the phone..."Hello"


"Lisa, its Brandy...where are you at?"


"Im in Riverside near 14 th street, why?


" Lisa, I need you to pull over..."


My heart sank at that moment..."this is it..this is the call I have been dreading" i thought to myself..."Lisa, you're strong...you've been preparing yourself for this moment" I said to myself.


"Okay, hold on" I told her...so i veered off to the side of the freeway and took a deep breath for the news I was about to recieve.


"Lisa, Frank just spoke to the doctor and the doctor told him that there was two options that can be done your guys Mom"..she started to say.


"You mean she still alive?" I asked..."Yes, she's still knocked out, they have her on pain killers" Brandy says.


"Well what are the options" I asked her.that


"the doctor says that there is a flesh eating bacteria eating at her legs and they could perform surgery but no guarantee she'd survive it..." she starts to say.


"what's the other option" I asked.


"the other option is that they make her comfortable with the pain meds and wait" she finishes.


"Wait for what?" I said.


She took a deep breath..and then she said, "To pass away...Lisa, Frankie cant make this decision he needs you to tell him what to do"


He can't make that decision? What? I could? How do i make that type of decision...i needed ALL my brothers.

"Brandy, can they wait, I'll be there in 20 minutes?" i asked.

"Thats just it, Lisa, they need a decison now so they can prep the operating room" she explains.

What do i do? I kep thinking to myself...this is our mother how do i say: let her attempt to live or let her die? I was up all night watching her go through that pain...what is surgery going to do for her? Cause more pain? Can we watch her go through that?


So I said it...."Brandy, tell Frankie...no surgery"...God forgive me.


When i had finally arrived to the hospital, all my brothers were there. They escorted me to the ICU department where our Mom was. When i saw her, I wanted to break down and let out all my pain, but i knew my bothers were looking to me for guidance and strength. I told myself, "Later, you break down later, the boys need you now"


My brother, Frank, walked in with the doctor to explain to me the progression that had taken place from when i brought her into emergency to when they placed her in ICU. It was pretty bad and the doctor said had we opted for the surgery the likelihood of her surviving was in the low double digits.




I pulled the doctor aside and asked her what do we do from here. She said that they would keep our Mom as comfortable as possible, they had her on pain medication and that it should happen fairly quickly. I gave the doctor a baffled look, "Fairly quickly? Doctor, what exactly are you telling me? Our mother is going to die tonight?"





The doctor had assumed that i knew exactly what she meant when she said that it would "happen fairly quickly". "Im so sorry, yes...your Mother may not make it through the evening"




I just froze when she finished her sentance. I looked in the room and saw my four brothers surrounding my bareley coherent mother. Each brother took turns holding her hand and each asking for my mother's forgiveness for all the heartache they caused her while they were growing up. I watched each of these men with tears in their eyes as they witness their mother slowly passing away. I was so sad to see these four strong men; men that when they themselves have been faced on the verge of death, guns have been pointed at their head and with no fear say, "You got the balls to pull the trigger, then pull it." These same men now have fear in their eyes that i have never seen before, as they are left to wonder what their lives will be like without their Mother in it.


How am i suppose to tell them that Mom wont be with us tomorrow morning. How do i say that? My next thought was my daughter, Isis, she needed to me here and be here now. I left the ICU to call my husband. "Hello" he answered. My voice was quivering as I began to speak, "Honey, they gave my Mom less than 24 hours...I need Isis here now..where is she?" i began to sob. "Babe im so sorry..she went to the movies with her friends, do you want me to get her and take her" he asked. "Yes, please..i want to make sure she sees my Mom and says her final goodbye to her, you know how close they were, please hurry"

*****When I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter, my Mom and I had gotten into a huge arguement and I moved out. I was so pissed at her that I had threatened that she would never see the baby (we didn't know whether is was a boy or a girl, all i knew was I didnt want her near the baby) I moved in with one of my Aunties and trying to get through my pregnancy with out her. After a month of living with my Aunt I had a doctor's appointment but no one was around to take me; i had no choice but to call my mom and ask her if she would be able to take me. She said she would; she came to pick me up and i barely said two words to her. We arrived to the appointment and it was my turn to see the doctor. I was going to have an ultrasound and i knew i didnt want to know the sex of the baby; i wanted to be surprised. My anger had obviously disappeared but i still held a grudge but let it go long enough to ask her if she wanted to come in with me.

The nurse asked me to change and lay on the table and wait for the doctor while he finished with another patient. The nurse tried to make small talk with me and my mom.

"So is this your first baby?" she asked while she was getting the gel to place on my belly to start the ultrasound.

"Yes", I answered, then my mom chimmed in, "Yes, it my first grandbaby" with a huge grin, for the moment she forgot that we were hardly speaking.

"Do you have any other children?" she asked her. "Yes, I have four sons, this is my only girl" she exclaimed so proudly as the nurse was rubbing the utrasound paddle back and forth across my belly with one hand and hitting a computer keys taking screen shots with the other.

"Yeah, there hasn't been a girl in the house for 22 years" I said. The nurse was listening while she looked closely at the screen, there were a few"uh huh's" between statements and then with a smile she said, "Until now" as she pointed to the screen.

My mom and I stopped moving and I said, "What? what do you mean until now?" I had completely forgot to tell the nurse that i didnt want to know the baby's sex.

"Congratulations, you're having a baby Girl!" she gleamed like she just knew she delivered the best news on earth....little did she know...she did!

My mom and I looked at each other both with tears in our eyes and hugged each other. She kissed me on my forehead, rubbed my belly and said, "I finally get my I-ziz (Isis), you will tell her her Grandma named her okay, Mija."

She always said that if anyone of us kids had a girl first we were to promise and name her Isis.

I smiled back at her and as i was rubbing my belly told her "I will make sure she never forgets, Mom"

Since that day we always knew Isis was meant to do great things. Even in my belly, she was able to accomplish what other people couldn't do.....mend her Mommy and Grandma's broken hearts.*****

Through all this, my husband has been so amazing. He watched my relationship with my mother go from hot to cold in a matter of seconds. He would stand by and watch me give her money or pay her rent because she couldnt do it on her own and I would feel so proud that I could that for her because i was in a good place in my life to do it. Then how I would complain about after having a 5 minute conversation with her on the phone and feel mentally exhausted after i was done.

*****There was this time when she and I had a really bad falling out. I was pregnant with our son and I just let her have it, i told her how much i resented all the shit that she put me through when i was growing up and reamed her like i never reamed anyone in my life. She left crying and i went back in the house and was so angry. I told my husband I was done and couldn't deal anymore, I just need to stop talking to her. About a few weeks later, he and I went to a movie and there was a quartet playing some songs while people walked around the shops and then they started a few cords which i automatically recognized the song and my eyes started to tear up...it was "Brown Eyed Girl"

He looked over to me and saw my tears fall down my cheek, he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Babe, call her...its your Mom and I cant imagine you not having her a part of your life, especially now." He was right.

I called my Mom, "Hello" she answered. "Ma' its me...i am sooooo sorry, please forgive me, i had no right to talk to you the way I did and I feel sooooo bad" and then I started to cry.

"Baby, its okay, you needed to let all that out for you, not for me and Im sorry too that you held that in all these years." she replied.

"Mommy, I love you" "I love you too, Baby"...just like that we were back to being us.*****


I always said my heart belong to four major people in my life...My grandparents, my uncle Ralph and my Mom. If i were to ever lose any of them (which I did) i would be a mess, but losing my mother?... I would become a wreck. I'd always hoped that I'd have a strong mate if that ever happened because i was going to need him to stand by me as i try to function. I was lucky enough to have Michael by my side to help ease my pain or at least try.


He has truly been a God send.


After i hung up with him I went to the waiting room to see my family and my aunts were there. All grieveing; not knowing what was happening behind the metal doors was killing them and I could see it in their face. My Mother was the oldest girl and was a second mother for them. She had been there to care for them from diapers to every heartache, every addiction and all the growing pains in between. How can I tell them that their Big Sister; their second Mother had less than 24 hours to be with us. This was news that i didnt have the heart to deliver.


They all turned towards the door and saw me on the other side of the window; even though I didnt say a word, the look in my eyes told them what I couldnt.


I walked in the waiting room and told them that the doctor is only allowing me and my brothers in with her and if anything changes I will come and get them.


They didnt argue with me, they said for me to take as much time as I needed with her. If any people on this earth knew what my relationship with her was like...it was these women. Through all that we went through...my aunts tried playing referrees, mediators, confidants anything to help my mom and i make are relationship stronger. No matter what it may have been...this was my Mom...I may not have liked her, oh but I loved her and love her. If it werent for her, i wouldnt have had the strength to have endured what life has thrown at me. She showed me that you would do anything to make sure you're family is never without. How when things seemed so bleek, she could turn it around by making her famous meatloaf. I knew when she made meatloaf things would be okay.





When I was telling my brother how bad I felt for being so frustrated and I hoped Mom forgave me. My brother turns to me and says, " Lisa, I told mom, "please dont be mad at her Mom, she's just tired' Mom looked at me Lisa and said, "No Mijo, Im not mad at her...I made your sister with all the strength in the world...i just forgot to give her patience'" after my brother told me that, I broke inside. My eyes filled with tears but i couldnt let him see me fall apart because he and my other brothers needed me to be strong.


Later Lisa, you can break down later...not now.


I went to speak to the doctor to make sure that the priest would be there to read her her last rites. The doctor had said they called him and that he should be there shortly. I looked at the clock and still no Isis and Michael. I kept thinking, "I hope they make in time"


I went back in the room and found my brothers just sitting with blank looks on their faces and I saw that one of my mother's hands were free, so I figured it was my turn to to speak to her. I walked over to her, brushed her hair from her forehead, held her hand and laid my head an her shoulder.



I whispered in her ear, "Mommy its me, you said you wanted to see all of us together at the same time in the same room...we're all here Mom." By this times tears were streaming down my face and then I continued, "Mom, if you cant hang any longer, it's okay to go, you made me strong enough to watch over the boys and I'll always look out for them....I am my brothers' keeper. Go, Mommy go with all my Tios and my Abuelo and Abuela, they're waiting for you." Those were probably the hardest words I ever had to say, because the reality was i had to let her go and I didn't know how to?

I just stared down her face and watched her sleep, i looked over at the monitor and saw that there was still a pulse and some activity...i knew she heard everything i was saying to her. Just then her eyes opened half way and she smiled, looked up at me and said, "My Brown Eyed Girl, why you crying?"

My brothers turned quickly to see her, this is the first time since she was placed in ICU that she spoke. I could see the boys wanted to just talk to her but they also realized she was weak. She looked around the room and saw all of us surrounding her bed. Where's Iziz?

"She and Michael are on their way Mom " i told her.

"That's my Iziz...i named her, tell her i love her " she said.

"Why are all you crying whats wrong?" she said as she looked at each of us.

We had to explain to her what decision we had made, she argued with us and begged us to give her a chance to survive the surgery. We couldnt believe it. We were shocked that she would want to put herself through all that pain. However, as a mother myself, if i saw all my kids grieving for me, i too would want to try to ease their pain anyway i could; even if that means that I endure all their pain, becasue as a parent isn't that what you would do?

We spoek to the doctor and explained what she wanted and we asked the doctor what were her chances of surviving at this point and the doctore replied, "Her chances of surving has dropped to the single digits"

We all looked at each other, half of us wanted the surgery and the other said "no more pain for her". This would be the first time that my brothers and would be on oppsite sides of a debate.

One brother said, "Lisa, you're the oldest, what ever you say I'll stand by you"
The next brother, "What if she could survive? We have to believe, right?"
The next brother, "She has been in lot of pain, do we put her through that?"

Then the last brother and this one hit hard, "Fuck that! No, no...it has to be surgery, we're going to do the surgery...if there is a slight chance that she can survive, we have to try. If you guys choose no surgery, Fuck that...that's on all you, dont fucken say i agree with you, yeah majority will make the decision but no, she has to make ...she has to...Fuck..its Mom" with every hard word that he was saying the tears seem to fall even harder.

I looked at all their faces and then I spoke, " Mijos, i know what you're all saying, but she's been living with me for a month and i've slept near her practically every night. I hear the pain she's having and her mobility is none. If we opt to do the surgery and she doesnt make it...do you know where we're all saying our final goodbye? On a surgery table where she'd be cut open...I dont knwo about you but i dont want that to be the last vison of her in my head to ne that, I say no surgery..no more pain for her...here...in this bed...til her last breath..this is where she should be with all of us surrounding her. This is where she should be not on an operating table"

Its hard when we're faced with a decision to let go of a loved one. Our selfishness takes over and we want them with us forever but never thinking of what it might mean for them. I think my brothers thought about that and then agreed that we wouldn't do the surgery, but to put her mind at ease, we told her the otherwise. After she thanked us all for giving her a chance, she looked at each of my brothers and told them that she loved them and then she looked at me and said,

"Baby, My Brown Eyed Girl...everytime you hear that song you think of me, okay? I love you."

Those would be the last words we would all hear from her.

The priest finally showed up and started reading her final rites and we watched the numbers on her monitor get lower and lower til at 9:50pm when she took her last breath.

As the last breath left her mouth I felt an overwhelming feeling of pain and just when i went to fall to my knees, one of my brother ran up to me before I could hit the floor, grabbed me and whispered in my ear, "No, Lisa, no...we need you, we need you to be strong."

Just like that, I grabbed my composure, wiped my tears and held my baby brother...

Not now Lisa, you can't breakdown now...the boys need you..later..you can breakdown later

All a while i thought, 'Isis didnt make it to see her' and I'll need to help her through that pain.

I went downstairs to meet Michael and Isis, I broke down for a second, but then I saw Isis and knew I had to be strong for her too, she just lost her grandmother and she needed to grieve and as her Mother I needed to let her do that.

My family was in the ICU room to comfort my brothers; when Isis arrived she completely lost it and my brothers all held her. I looked over to my husband and told him that he and Isis go on ahead with out me because i wanted to drive home alone.

After an hour, I grabbed my things and as I walked away from the ICU room; my brothers and aunties were singing a heartfelt final "Happy Birthday" to Mom...she would have been 59 on January 3rd.

I reflect back on this night often and i believe deep down inside that she knew that we told her that we were going to have to surgery to put her at peace, this is why she said her final "I love you's" to us...just in case.

Mom, you are our Original Latin Queen...forever in our hearts and never forgotten.

We miss you and love you every second, of every minute, of every day!!!

****Im told the pain will never go away but will subside each day; making it easier to survive it. I still havent fully grieved the loss of My Mother, but writing this has helped some...not completely but some...thank you for taking the time to read this.****