Today was another rough day…I sat at my desk crying and feeling so empty…I miss you something awful…I’ve never felt like this…and if I did…it was nowhere near this…the pain is so excruciating, I want it to stop.
I need to speak to you so I text you today:
Me: I know you have the kids til Friday….could we meet up to talk. (today was a hard one, I got home from work all I could do was cry, I just wanna see you to see if it’s just me feeling this way)
Two hours go by and not a word from you, I tried not to think about it…but I’m thinking you just don’t wanna hear from me. Then I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Me: No response? Does that mean you want nothing to do with me? (my stomach started to get quezzy so afraid you were going to come back with a ‘yes’…I had to go to the restroom to splash water on my face…I felt like I couldn’t breathe)
A few minutes later….
You: idk if she is off
I’ll let you kno
I started to cry some more wondering if you were feeling that way I was…were you hurting as much…or is this truly a one sided deal….I know I told myself I would let months go by without speaking to you…to get over this…but I can’t deal anymore.
Me: How are you okay with giving me space when its killing me giving it to you?
You: I’m not okay with it
But it’s what u wanted
I was textin
Just doing what u want
Giving me what I wanted?…if course you were….how could you just give up so easily….unless…you don’t feel the same for me…OMG…you don’t love me anymore....my heart begins to sink.
Me: I miss you like crazy….I didn’t think it would hurt this much
There….I said it…. “I miss you like crazy and it HURTS!”
You: It’s okay
It’ll get better
Huh? What? ‘It’ll get better’…so its true you don’t feel the same. My logical side is sneering at me with that “I told you so” look.
Me: It’ll get better us not speaking to each other n me not missing u????
Please tell me this is not what you mean…I didn’t think my heart could hurt any more…but it actually is.
I need to know…is this truly one sided…I can’t…I won’t believe that it is, not after hearing the voicemails, remembering the kisses, the touch…the look…no…no…I refuse to believe that.
Me: Is it me just feeling like this…you don’t?
You: I didn’t want to stop
YOU took my choice away
Yes, I took it away…though I didn’t see it that way…I did it for me because I wanted to have you all to myself. I couldn’t handle sharing you…but that pain didn’t compare to not having you at all. THAT pain is absolutely unbearable.
So I need you to know….
Me: *sad face* I love you & Im IN love with you…you kept telling me that “what needs to happen will”…leading me to believe u didn’t feel the same about me anymore.
Please tell me you still love me and are still so very much in love with me and that all this pain was just temporary…*crossing fingers* please.
You: We both agreed that our friendship
was more important
That what ever needed to happen it would
Friendship?? You see me only as a friend? After all we shared and done…a friend? Didn’t think my heart could sink any lower.
Me: You stopped sharing how you felt…so I thought your feelings changed for me.
Me: So are you telling me….you don’t feel the same about me?
As I type…the tears begin to fall…I had you…now I lost you. My soul is crying out in anger at me, “How could you do that?! He was IN love with us and you let him go!!?” We both begin to sob.
You: What ever the reasons were as a friend u should of waited til I decided to share.
You: I’m not saying that
Just our friendship means more than
As a couple or not
Friends for life
I wipe my tears, why can’t you just give me straight answers…”yes I still love you… no, sorry my feelings did change”…so I begin to reply…
Me: You’re right…but the woman in love felt different
Because I do…I just want to know all that you’re feeling…I want to be part of all of it.
Me: Friends before Lovers?
Though the Lover part already happened…can we go back? And begin this as it should’ve? As friends?
Then I guess the woman in luv cared more
than my BFF
Your BFF? The sting doesn’t seem so bad now…as a BFF you’ll let me in more…you’ll share more.
You: Before or after
Friends for life
This is you responding to my ‘Friend before Lovers’ comment…I start analyzing this..’before’…’after’…meaning no matter what, we’ll always be friends…but I want more…Than I feel an inner slap in my head…My soul is glaring at me, “Shut it! Take it…we get him back, I don’t care how we get him back…as long as we get him back…I just want this pain to stop!”
Me: No, not that the BFF cared any less…her heart was speaking loudly
Going forward…I’m going to have to suppress that part. My soul is right…we get him back…and if to have him back means I need to suppress my love for him then…for now that’s what I’ll do.
But then I remember….
Me: Why did you delete me?
That hurt when I no longer saw you on my list.
You: Making it easier like u asked
You’re right…I would look at your page and see the pictures of you and her and see how happy you were with her…she made you happy in a way I couldn’t…and yes...it was extremely painful to see…sadly I was doing that to myself. I suppose in a way…you did me a favor.
Me: Where do we go from here….friends?
That’s it… my soul wins…I’ll take the friends versus not having you at all. Logic is sitting in a corner with her arms folded saying, “That’s all you’re good for is just a friend, nothing more.” Then I laugh as my soul runs up to her, slaps the hell outta her and begins to scream, “He loves US…HIS soul and I are connected…you weren’t around when that bond happened….dont you know anything about relationships…you need to love your friend before you love your lover….so shut it!” My soul has a point…any good…I mean great relationship…has to start with a foundation….ours with be our friendship.
You: I’m always gonna be your friend
Can’t imagine without you
My soul is standing tall…looking at logic… “Told you!”
Me: After these last couple of days…how did we go through the past 25 years without each other.
Me: You’re part of my life…
My heart is beating outta of control….
Me: Not having you….was….painful
You: It was
It’s better with than without
For once I actully feel like I know what you mean. My life is better WITH you in it than without!
Me: I agree…I don’t ever want to feel that again. I missed U!
I felt this huge sense of relief as I typed that last part…I. Missed. U!
Me: We start from Ground Zero n build from there?
We need to give us a fair shot and we need to start with a foundation…one brick at a time…one called friends…trust…sharing…loyalty…compassion…caring….til the last brick of love is placed. Friends…I’ll take it!
I thought you were replying to my Ground zero comment..but realized they were sent at the same time, so you couldn’t have seen that…you were repsonding to “Not having you …was painful” and ‘don’t ever want to feel that again’ …you DID feel it, too. I look in my soul who’s smiling and just then I see a tear slide down her cheek & mine, too.
This is in response to my Ground zero comment….it’s almost as if you feel the same about the brick foundation. I look back into my soul and she’s nodding her head…saying “yes, he does”…I believe her… after all she’s connected to you and knows what you’re feeling.
And just like that…we’re back…I’m okay with not receiving the occasional “Luv u’s” “miss u’s” or being called by my pet name of “Hermosa”…all I care about is that I have you back…Mr. Fifty Shades, himself, said it best… “I’ve never felt the way I felt when you left….I would move heaven and earth to avoid feeling like that again.” And that I would!
Ground Zero is where we begin.