Thursday, October 29, 2009

We shall Weather the Storm

“No weapon formed against me shall prosper” Isaiah 54:17

We’ve all heard the saying, “when it rains it pours”. Well…right now this is what is happening to us. We are, what we feel is, in the eye of the storm. Remember when I told you all, I started the year the worse possible way…losing my mother, therefore things can only go up? Boy was I wrong…it just keeps getting worse.

I don’t need to go into details on what going on, just that it seems like im getting ripped in every direction and when I look in the mirror, I have no idea who is looking back at me.

I want to see that strong woman:
The wife that stands by her husband in times of need and tells him,
“Papi, I stand by you no matter what.”
The friend that tells her friend
“Don’t worry Reina, we’ll get through it together”.
The sister that tells her brothers
“Theres nothing that we as a family cant handle”.
The mother that tells her children,
“Babies, dream big, the world is yours, all you have to do is go out and claim it”

Where is she? Have I lost her?

Its times like this that Im missing my mother more and more. Not that she could take the problems away, but she’d at least make her meatloaf and tell me, “Baby, its going to be okay”. Deep down I’d have a hard time believing that , but for that brief moment while eating,
I can believe.

The other day my daughter comes out of her room and finds me crying on the sofa. She asks, “Mommy you okay”. I couldn’t even lie to her and say everything was fine. I just told her things are lil rough, but not worry, I’ll work through them as I always have. She kisses me on the forehead, says she loves me and goes to bed.

Two minutes later I get a text from her,
“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle Mommy”

Isn’t she amazing?….only 17.

I sat there looking at the text and cried harder. I needed to remember that, He doesn’t give me more than I can handle, I just have to remember to stop, look up and ask for help.

I refuse to sit and act like a victim…because I’m not, nor will I ever be.

I’m writing this not for sympathy, but only because even the strongest of women have their moments and well…I’m having mine.

Its just so crazy how your life can change within seconds.

Readers, go through life eyes wide open; you could be blindsided and feel like you’re world is coming to an end if you don’t.

The Game of Life

The Game of Life

I thought I would be okay
If you and I decided to go
Our separate ways
The thought of us apart
Is a stingy pain to my heart

Life truly is like a baseball game:

Through the years we stood at the plate
We had a strong stance as life threw us
Every type of ball known to the game.

The pitcher is life, ready to throw at us
All that its got; in hopes of striking us out.
Our coach is God giving us the signals
Telling us what we should and should not swing at.

There are times we don’t listen
We get lucky and get a hit
We’re confident that we could do this
Without any coaching involved

Until life throws us an unexpected curve ball
We strike out standing.
God gave us the signals to be ready for anything
But our arrogance got the best of us and here we stand.

We’re reminded we’re a team
That you and I must bring this team to victory
With lack of communication and trust
We’re sure headed for a bust.

Maybe it has been too much to bare
We assumed we could handle it all
If one of us got more hits
We’d be able to survive another game.

We thought surviving on one of us playing
Was enough to make the win the same
Come to find out that that too would be too much for one;
Just to watch the bitterness grow until one of us is done

On the surface, like A-Rod and Jeter,
we’re every ones favorite
Below what they don’t see is all the resentment
Just when we thought we could breath with a lead
Life yet again, throws a curve ball that could only mean defeat.

I close my eyes to remember all that’s good:
The hits, the walks and the homeruns
The tears begin to fall like I thought they never could
My heart beats faster and the pain begins to set in
“When did it all go wrong?” is what I begin to think.

I must admit, I have contributed to this as well.
Had I been a better teammate and listen to what was said
Instead of hearing the rambling that was translated
in my head
Maybe, just maybe instead of taking those balls as a walk,
we could’ve hit the curve balls out the park.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My Brothers, My Sons

"There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother. Oh, how I hated that little boy and Oh, how I love him too." -Anna Quindlan

My Brothers, My Sons

We came from the womb of a Queen.
I was five when the first of you arrived
She handed you to me and said “This is your gift’
I held you tight with all my might
I knew I always wanted to take care of you.

I was away when the second one arrived
I ran home and couldn’t wait to see you
She handed you to me and said “He will care for you”
I looked at you with such amazement
And knew I was blessed to have you too.

I was angry when the third one came
Everyone told me I’d no longer be the only Princess
That God was going to give the family another
I couldn’t look at our Queen; as she carried you
You were going to replace me and I was upset
The day you were another prince.
She handed you to me and said “ You didn’t like him., but you’ll love him”
I looked down at you and forgave myself for not
Wanting you.

The twist and turns that life had given our family
Had fate take over and turned a cousin into a brother.
The love that family has will never break the bonds
That we all have begun to share.

I was an adult when the fourth was announced.
This time I was okay if I had to share the throne.
However, again fate had a different plan for she would be a he.
She handed you to me and said, “He will complete you all”
I looked down at you and my heart open up more.
I knew I would love you just as much as the ones before.

I watch you all grow from infants to men
I was there to protect you from punishments
But the first to scold you when you all behaved wrong.
God had given you all to me as my brothers.
Who would love me, defend me, care for me, fight with me,
Argue with me, be scared of me, confide in me and cry with me.

Yes, you’re my Brothers but my Heart says…You’re my Sons!!

* I wrote this thinking of all my brothers and the challenges I face being the new head of the Family...the Martriarch if you will. Brothers, I love are my brothers; my sons!!!

Always remember:

"I (You) can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (you)" (Philippians 4:13)

Thursday, October 22, 2009


*Below is the eulogy I hope to read at my Father in law's memorial service.

Jaime Aviles
Gone but never Forgotten

I knew I wanted to write about Jaime's final days but I didn't think of turning it into a eulogy until I was at the book store on Saturday. Mitch Alboum , an author Jaime once recommended, wrote a new book 'have a little faith' I was thinking of Jaime when I picked it up..I turned the book around to read what it was about and the first thing I read was....

'In the beginning, there was a question 'will you write my eulogy?" ...I thought I was being asked a favor..Actually I was being given one...."

At that moment I felt as if Jaime was asking me the question, so what was once going be a countdown to his final days has turned into an accounting of how he lived!

When I started writing this I had stopped for a moment; I didn’t know how to begin. So, I turned to Jaime for guidance, 'Pop, help me write your eulogy' I asked, then the strangest thing happened; my blkberry started to vibrate, I looked at it and my facebook notification had appeared; when I opened it, it said 'James Aviles accepted u as a friend'

"James Aviles accepted u as a friend", I repeated to myself. I smiled, looked up and said thank you.

I needed to be reminded that I am writing this not from a daughter in laws perspective but that of a friend.

So I began:

Today we’re here not to mourn Jaime's death, but to celebrate this man’s life. He is survived as u all may know by his three children, Michael, James and Joy, his grandchildren Mikey, Kaila, Kylie and a stepgranddaughter, Isis.

This man LIVED, he loved life and wanted to share it with anyone that came across his path. Anything new, if he was intrigued with it, he wanted to be part of it.....

I remember when I first met Michael, I had just ended a bad relationship n my view of men was 'that they lacked a chromosome called 'ability to tell the truth' ' so when Michael talked about his father once being a teacher, post office worker, dhl delivery guy, owned a liquor store and was an FBI agent...I thought to myself "everything seems somewhat believable..but an FBI agent, hardly! Guys would lie about anything to get another date." I thought Michael was cute so I continued to date him and figured I’d let the lie about his dad and his imaginary jobs wasn't until a year later...I would stand to be corrected. I took my first family trip with the Aviles' and was about to meet the Matriarch and Patriarch of the Family, Carmen n Jaime. Being the family historian myself I was taken in by all the family pictures that Carmen had all over the house and then I saw 'IT'..a picture that the FBI takes of their agents; it documents their name, agent I.D. number and division they worked..I read it..Name: Aviles, Jaime..ID Number: Don’t remember it Division: Undercover...I was thrown back...he REALLY was an employee of the FBI..I turned to Michael..'Your dad was really an FBI agent?” He turned to me 'I told u that when we started dating. 'Yeah I know but I didn't think u were serious.' 'Why would I lie about something like that? he answered...I keep quiet..and since that day, I never questioned anything Michael ever told me.

That was an amazing trip; it set the standard for all trips to follow and I thank them for that.

Later Jaime would add on, mentor, friend, confidant to his list of duties... truly becoming the epitome of the term 'a jack of all trades' and that was just year one with this family.

Through the years, I was able to see him interact with various people from different walks of life; he never once treated them any different from one another and they loved him for that. There are a lot of you here that feel in debted to him, trust me when I tell u..he knew this and was pleased to know that he help shape your life in one way or another.

As his health continued to get the best of him I needed the answers to two questions I wanted to ask before it was too late. We went to see him in the hospital..he was still coherent enough to have a conversation. He held my hand and thanked me for coming...I told him "no need to thank me.. 10 years ago you became my dad, too when I became part of this of course I'd be here", he smiled and began to tear up (if u knew our history u would understand why) so I proceeded to ask my questions:

Pop, if there is one thing to could tell your grandchildren, what would it be?...he paused for a moment and started to answer.."My grandchildren? They're beautiful aren't they...?" Yes they are..." "I would want my grandchildren to know how amazing their great grandparents are and if they could; they would give them the world..will u tell them that?" Yes, Pop..I make sure to tell them"

Final question, If you could tell your children one thing, what would it be, "my children?...well tell Jaime Jr..I named him Jaime not James...tell them I love them very much and that I will always take care of them even when they think I'm long gone...will you tell them that?" Yes, Pop, I'll tell them. "

My vision of heaven consist of history's music greats joining in for one huge jam session and everyone dancing like no one is watching:

I lost my mother New Years day this year..its been a rough year for us..but it brings me comfort to know that My Mom, is showing Pop how to dance a good cumbia and Pop in turn is showing her what a smooth merengue move looks like.. And judging the two; none other than Abuelo Ismael himself, though u would think he'd be a bit biased to the merengue don't under estimate my Mami...she had some amazing legs, especially when she danced.

You know, Forgiveness is a funny thing; some people think it’s to give requestor peace, when in actuality it’s more for the person giving it. When u truly are able to forgive with your whole heart; it’s only then that you open yourself to all the fruits that God has to offer. It is because of this, that I was able to open my heart and let the words flow as God had intended them to be. For that I am truly grateful.

In closing; there are few things I want to share that I will miss about Pop:

His mouth watering Pernil (no one can compare)

His coquito (ernest we thank God you were able to get the recipe, before it was forever lost)

His love of cologne (well…his technique for applying it that is; we always knew how to track his steps or where he’s been by the scent)

His driving (Michael could always tell if it was his father driving by the drivers swerving back in forth in the lanes)

His love of reading (it was Pop that turned me on to my favorite author; one I hope to work with one day, thank u Pop)

His stressing higher education (he would always say, keep your mind working, read, take a class, you're never too old to go back to school)

And Finally, his unique way of leaving a voicemail for his son: Hello Michael this is your father speaking (it was always as if he thought we never recognized his voice when he'd call to speak to him)

He will be forever missed but never forgotten

About Me

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I'm a writer that writes from the heart...and emotion (ergo, the name of my blog). Most of what I write about, I have had first hand experience in. Anything I review does not say I am an expert...I only write what I THINK and whether I like it or not! Not how the rest of the world should think or feel. I am Mexican/Italian and a Leo..again..why my blog is called the World of Emotion!! Hope you enjoy what I have to say and/or review. Enjoy!