"I AM a Goddess"
I had been having writer's block, some time ago and i did not know what to do. I want to finish my book and I figured I just need to get some inspiration; so I called out to Mi Gente and My comadre said "turn to my inner Goddess and ask myself, "Why am I a Goddess?"
Hmmm, this one had me a bit stumped...so i started to think...Why AM I a Goddess...?"
Had she asked Why do i consider myself a Reina? I could answer that without thinking twice. "I AM Reina because I expect to be treated as a Queen should be: with respect, with love, with courtesy, with admiration, for my children: with FEAR!"
See...that wasnt a problem...pero...a Goddess?...not as quickly. So me, being the writer I am, I needed to do some research before answering the question.
Therefore I researched..."What IS a Goddess?"Webster's dictionary had this for a defination: actually two:
1. A female god 2. a woman whose great charm or beauty arouses adoration.
Then I found some more, here are other definations I found on sites like Wikipedia:
*A female god; A human female honored or adored as physically attractive or of superior charm and intelligence; A human female revered as divine, as in the case of the Germanic prophetess Veleda of the first century AD
*A wight of exeptional ability or power, which is divine. Intimately connected with the land, or a people, or some archetypal ability or practice. In Asatru, every thing, every person, every concept even has a god.
*Goddess is a diety; a diety is any supernatural being worshipped as controlling some part of the world or some aspect of life or who is the personification of a force
*A powerful entity that possesses numerous miraculous powersAfter carefully reviewing each of these definitions and how they pertain to me, I answered:
“I am a Goddess because I have the power to connect with anything, anybody or any place I encounter,
I am a Goddess because I am Fearless…ready to take on the world!
I am a Goddess because my loyalty runs deeper than any valley in existence, (ah, the Lioness in me)
I am a Goddess because I am a Mother…pretty miraculous.. if you ask me…
I am a Goddess because I am admired,
I am a Goddess because I am despised,
I am a Goddess because I am loved,
I am a Goddess because I am hated,
I am a Goddess because I am respected,
I am a Goddess because I am feared,
I have come to the conclusion that I am a Goddess because……I AM a Friggin Reina!!!!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
"I AM a Goddess"
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Something about this place helps me find serenity. I feel so relaxed when I enter the door, as old friends welcome me while new ones are introduced. This Place takes me to areas I've never been before and reminds me of areas I'd like to revisit.
I head upstairs, to the right, then straight ahead, my childhood awaits me. I laugh to myself as I hear the Mad Hatter chuckles to Alice, "Where's your hat?"
I hear a voice call me from behind, I get up, walk to the left and then I'm reminded of how excited I was when I became a "young lady" an excitement that started with, "Are you there God, It's me!"
Oh! How I love this Place, it helps me to escape the world I so desperately would like to run away from. Helping me to become someone else, if not for eternity but for a few hours. In those hours I AM that cinder girl who finds her prince, the southern belle who begs the world "as God is her witness she'll never go hungry" or the journalist who has five amazing chicas in her life she calls Sucias.
I hear voices from the past and present keep callng for me. They tell me, scream at me, "Remember Us!!"
"Remember how I fought for women's equal rights!", one exclaims.
Another whispers, "Remember, when I marched to D.C. and told the world of a Dream I had".
Then the sofest voice I ever heard, but yet so loud says, "John 3:16".
I'm reminded, "For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life"
"Yes, Remember us all, listen to our words, feel our pain, live our lives, so you may live your life with more abundance"
Yes, this Place reminds me of where I've been and where I'm headed.
Oh, this Place, I do try to visit every chance I get. I want to meet the new additions to the family, a family I hope to become part of one day.
Before I walk out, I search the list, a list that says my friend made it ..........
My readers, this brings me to an interesting topic; have you ever worked somewhere and started up an office romance? Well I have been down this road...some ended amicably and well...others... not so kindly.
First, you have your interview...when asked, "Would you like a tour of the office?" You first instinct is, "Hell ya, i wanna see what type of people work here! Are the girls fashionable? Are the guys good looking? How about my boss?" Without realizing it, in the back of your mind, you're wondering if you'll be hookin up with any one; BEFORE you're even offered the job. But of course, you smile nicely and say, "Yes, a tour would be nice of, what would hopefully be my new work environement" you chuckle, the HR director chuckles and proceeds with the tour. She takes you through the orientation suite, then the break room, you stop at the IT office...you check it out, look around, but no one is there..then tour around the floor, look into the offices; see some good looking people. Lastly, to make it back to the receptionist area, thank the HR Director for their time and go home and cross your fingers for THEEE Phone call.
Well, congratulations, you got the job! Your first day is Monday and it so happens to be that there is a company meeting that day. Nice...you'll be able to scope everyone out and see if there are any potential datable people. You make eye contact with one good looking fella'; he smiles, you smile and then, without thinking...you wink at him, he gives you a coy smile while he blushes. Then, wouldn't luck have it, you're on the same team; you'll be working side by side with this cute guy.
Meeting is adjourned and off to the desk, that will be your new "home" for 40 hours a week. You meet your new collegue, you extend your hand and with poise introduce yourself, " Hi I'm Pandora". He smiles, you can see he likes your confidance, turns over to you and shakes your hand and says "Hi, I'm Adam".
Mmm Adam, you check him out from head to toe, dark hair, dark eyes, built like an adonis...oh..to see this man, you would think the Statue of David was a replica of THIS man...oh yummy..he's well dressed in a nice pinstripe suit, pale blue shirt, no tie....you make your way down to his feet and see that he's finished off the beautiful suit with wingtip shoes and while scoping out his shoes; you begin to pray to the fashion gods, that he's wearing...BINGO!! Black socks! To me it is such a turn off when a man wears white socks with EVERYTHING!!!
His handshake is firm, it says he isn't afraid to treat you like an equal not like a dainty flower with a whimpy handshake. I personally cant stand those type of handshakes...i like to be taken seriously...a strong, firm handshake says it "...I'M HERE FOR BUSINESS!!"
So, Adam begins to train you, shows you all that needs to be done so the team is successful. You catch on the his flirtatious attitude and just like an archer looking for a bullseye, you find your mark, only you're the arrow and he's the bullseye.
You begin to learn the business and go to him for everything, even for the most tideous things; just to be near his "aroma". Your heart starts to skip a beat when he comes near your desk, you think he's coming to talk to you, only to see that he has to pass your desk to get to the community fax. Oh, Adonis Adam...notice me, because you will be mine.
He starts to ask you out to lunch, you play coy and decline the first two times he asks, saying you had prior plans but "maybe next time". "Keep him interested" you tell yourself, "you dont want to play too hard to get". So, when next time happens to come around, you decide to invite him for lunch. Unlike you, he gladly accepts, you go out to lunch and people from the office start to notice that you two are becoming "friendly". Then the stares, whispering and snickering begin. You tell yourself, "who cares nothing is happening; even if there was, its none of their business"
He starts to slack off at work,but you dont care, because look at him...he is FINE!!! You decide to cover for him. When upper management assigns a report to be completed by the end of the week, just like a school girl meeting up with her high school crush, you get all giddy because you'll be working late nights with him. You work 12 hour days to get the report completed, Adonis Adam hadn't worked one hour of overtime...as soon as quitting time strikes, he hits the door without so much as offering to help complete the report.
You thought the late nights would spark up the romance between you two, but all you have to show for those late nights are not the sensual glow of a woman being with her adonis, but rather countless papercuts from trying to get the report completed by the deadline.
Since there wasnt much for him to do and you decide to get bold...you ask him if he'd like to go out for drinks. You know it was a rough week (mainly for you since you did all the work) and figured this is exactly what you needed to get the edge off. He accepts and says, "I know just the right spot"...you take that as an enuendo and reply, "First, you'll need to buy me a drink before you try to find the right spot" and then wink at him. A smile comes across his face...HOOKED! "I got him interested" you think to yourself.
The night is definitely eventful. What started out as a couple of drinks, turned into tequila shots being thrownback left and right. Your confident because you can handle your liquor which has him more intrigued with you. Then he goes for it...steals a kiss. But is really stealing when you know you would have been very willing to give it to him? One thing leads to another and you wake up in a hotel room. Passed out beside you is Adonis Adam, he's sound alseep, you slowly run your fingers down his body..thinking out of all the men in the office to date, you got THIS man. Then...something overcomes you and you have the urge to look through his wallet. Call it intuition or maybe plan ass noseyness, but you know it'll eat at you if you dont. You slide out of bed trying not to wake him and reach for his pants to get his wallet and notice that his phone is vibrating. You pick it up to see the caller ID and across the screen says, "WIFEY"...WHAT!!??? Frantically you pull out the wallet and as you flip the wallet open, you hope it will only be his driver's license...no...its a wedding picture of him and his "WIFEY". You grab the phone and throw it at his head and wake him..." What the hell!!!" He screams. You respond in a calm voice,"Oh, my bad...I thought maybe you'd want to answer the phone call from your WIFE!!!!" you shout.
You grab your clothes and run to the bathroom and begin to cry...as the tear falls from your eye, down your cheek it strikes right down on one of your papercuts; stinging it. You grab your finger and squeeze it to stop the stinging. All you can think about was: What was work going to be like on Monday!
So, my readers...please think twice before starting off an office romance, because if not careful, you just might end up with a papercut!
Monday, August 24, 2009
A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ? ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes and you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.
And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to respect your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world, and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love; romantic love and familial love. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that love is a verb, it is action. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less.
And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.
On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise--to never betray yourself. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live, as best as you can.
****NOTE: Again, please let me disclose I am not takingin credit for this; I did not write this (oh, how I wish I had, it says everything I had been trying to put down on paper for quite some time...whomever the author is, "I thank you")
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I'm so excited that my Bestest's son was born, August 8, 2009. We went to go see them at the hospital on my birthday, talk about a great gift. He turned to me and said, " I know you said you wanted a baby girl on your birthday, but would you settle for a baby boy the day before?"
Look at him, how is that settling? He's beautiful!! No matter when the baby was born, that is not settling, that is a precious gift...I would have been thrilled no matter the month or day he was born.
Congrats my Bestest!! Love you!
Sunday, August 09, 2009
However, I couldn’t help feeling a bit saddened, one person especially didn’t make it to see this milestone happen….my Mother.
I’d received a call from my Comadre Jenny two days before the event, she was to fly out for the party, however, the call was not to give me flight information but to tell me that due to circumstances beyond her control, she was unable to make it. When I heard her finish telling me the news a huge wave of emotion consumed me. I tried to fight the tears and then she said, “Coma’ go ahead and let them out, I know because I did the same.” Just like someone turning on a faucet, I began to sob. I told her in between the tears, “I didn’t think it would affect me like this”. We spoke some more and then we hung up, but not before we said our “I love you’s” …just as we’ve always have because you never know if that’ll be last conversation you ever have with that person.
After the phone call I sat and cried some more, I was baffled as to why I reacted the way I had.
Then it hit me…this is the first birthday without my Mom. A lot of people have told me that the first holidays after a loved one has passed away are the toughest.
The first holiday was her birthday, it was two days after she passed away, but we didn’t grieve, we actually had a birthday dinner for her and celebrated her life, so we still felt a strong presence with us that day.
Then came Mother’s day, yeah, that one was tough; we only stayed long enough for me to give her and my grandmother flowers. The minute I saw the marker where she was buried, I started crying. I looked at my husband and kids and told them, “we need to go” and we left.
Fourth of July came around and 3 of my 4 brothers were with my family and I. We went to our old neighborhood for the Fourth of July firework show. Everything was fine…we had spent the earlier part of the day swimming and then taking long walk to grab some lunch. We returned back to our site where we had setup our chairs to watch the show; we sat to eat and the band started playing. We always liked hearing the band, they played great cover music and we just enjoy ourselves and watching people around us dance and sing along…then it happened. A few cords were played and I knew the song immediately; I felt like the dog that was trained to hear a bell and his mouth started salivating because he knew it was time to eat. For me, it was when I heard “Brown Eyed Girl” that my eyes would tear up and the vision of my Mom in the hospital telling me “My Brown Eyed Girl...every time you hear that song you think of me, okay? I love you”…I turned to my brothers and all three of them must have had the same memory because they too had tears in their eyes. Then to try to make light of it, we all reminded each other of how we spent last Fourth of July in Huntington Beach and how pissed Mom was because she had to walk so far to get to where we were and it was blazing hot. She wanted to kill all of us; we all remembered how she looked at us that day and we just started chuckling about it. Had we known then that we weren’t going to have her with us this Fourth of July, we would have had someone carry her to us, so she would have not had to walk in the heat!
My brother Sergio was the first of us to have his first birthday without Mom. At the party I wanted to know what that felt like. “Brother, this has been bitter sweet since Mom is not here. Since you were the first one to have the first birthday without her, was it hard?”He looked at me and said, “you know Sis, I aint gonna lie…its been tough and I try not to think of it, because if I do, it reminds how I missed her funeral and pain surfaces again. I like to think it’ll get easier, she made was strong, right?” He was right and I told him, “She made us each strong but the five of us together…she made us invincible!!” then he kissed me on my cheek and wished me a happy early birthday.
Then it was Frankie’s turn, the next to experience his first birthday without her. Since the party was on his actual birthday, we didn’t get a chance to talk about it. I do know however, that he was thinking about it because he went to the cemetery to visit her earlier in the day for his birthday before the party started. …which I thought wasn’t a bad idea.
I suppose for me it’s been especially hard because ever since I could remember, every year my Mom would always wake me up the middle of the night to wish me ‘Happy Birthday’; when I was old enough to ask why she always did that, she said, “I always want to be the first to wish you happy Birthday, Mija...it was August 9, 1969 at 3:41 am that you were born. As long as God gives me strength to wake up every year at that time, I will always be the first to wish you happy Birthday.
Since then, no matter where I was on my birthday, whether I was home asleep, I’d get woken up or if I was out for my birthday…there would be note on my bed waiting for me…”its 3:41am, you weren't here, but I wanted to be the first one, Happy Birthday My Brown Eyed Girl”, I’m bummed that I never saved any of those notes. I would have loved to have been able to place those in my scrapbook.
As the years went on, she didn’t have the strength to do it anymore, so I would get phone calls later and later in the day. Now with her being gone, the phone calls at 3:41 am or 3:41 pm will be no more…and that’s hard to accept.
Now as I’m typing this blog entry I look at the clock and its 3:40am, I look at my bedroom door and hoping that at 3:41am she’ll be coming through that door to wake me up and be the first to wish me Happy Birthday. I’m not delusional I know that’ll never happen; I have a better chance of going to sleep and wait for her to appear to me and tell me, “My Brown Eyed Girl made it to 40, Happy Birthday, Mija”
I thought my first Mother’s Day was bad….but I would have to say…no…it’s definitely my first birthday without her….now, that’s tough.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Ah... the women of the Clicka
*Note: More pix from the evening..are posted on my Facebook
My Brothe Frankie turned 35 on the day of the event (August 7), my 40th bday is tomorrow (Ausgust 9)...we did it like our Moms use to do whe she celebrated our milstone bdays...TOGETHER. The invite list consisted of 100 people, about 80% showed up AND showed out!! The 80's gear every one wore brought back so much memories, ones that I thought I had forgotten until last nite.
The first part of the of the day was a bit rough that I contemplated cancelling the event...sooo glad i didn't. I needed it very much and from the pictures so did alot of people.
Since this was a combo bday bash, I needed a birthday sign that rep'd both of us. The Birthday poster was just what I was looking for. I surprised my brother with it...and he was.
The DJ for the eveing was DJ Streek (Henry Martinez) those of you who went to high school with us, know that having DJ Streek on a flyer would insure a big turnout for your hoiuse parties. So, I knew when i decided to do the throwback, iut would be featuring my boy!! As my daughter says, "Henry killed it with the music" (Trust...this is a HUGE compliment from a 16 year old)
As people started to arrive, we saw..."NERDS" (Actually, only one Nerd), "Easy E & Dr. Dre", "David Lee Roth & one of his groupies", lots of Valley Girls, some 80's Hootchie Mamas, a "Latoya Jackson", (yes, she was very 80's)we had Hip Hop B-boys, some prep boys with their collars popped up and even a "Carlton" was their...a bit taller than the original.
Due to the sound ordinace (yes...sound ordinace...damn haters ) we had to shut it down, with the last song being played by 11:30pm...
We had to end right...with a Soul Train Line....What did we stroll to...none other than Jamaica Funk!!!
It definitley was a memorable nite and with the way my brithers and I started out new year, this was what we needed.
Thank you who were there and those of you that were not able to make it...I would have no problem re-creating the evening again. Enjoy the pcitures.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
January 2, 2009 7:31am
January 1, 2009 9:50pm was when the last leaf fell from my mothers tree.
They have all, in some way, have helped to insure that my leaves will stay some sort of green.
- I'm a writer that writes from the heart...and emotion (ergo, the name of my blog). Most of what I write about, I have had first hand experience in. Anything I review does not say I am an expert...I only write what I THINK and whether I like it or not! Not how the rest of the world should think or feel. I am Mexican/Italian and a Leo..again..why my blog is called the World of Emotion!! Hope you enjoy what I have to say and/or review. Enjoy!