Hello My Readers,
A lot has happened with me in the last year.
Where do I begin....?
Let's starts with the beginning...
2012 started for me like most..thinking "Is THIS the year that the world is going to end?
However, unlike most people I didn't take those words quite literally...I looked deeper into that speculation....the world itself was NOT going to end however MY world as I knew it, would, it was just a matter of when in 2012 that would happen.
As those of you, who have followed my blog from its conception, know that I married my husband in 2006 after being together for 7 years. I knew I loved him & everyone kept telling me that he was the best thing to ever happen to me & my daughter & I agreed.
Through the years you've all read how some "issues" had presented themselves & I had made attempts to get them resolved...but to no avail...I felt like it was all going on deaf's ears.
Though on the surface, it seemed like we had everything under control, from our finances to a smooth running household & loving children...however, something was just "off". He and I just didn't flow any longer...there was no "connection".
In February 2012, I made my final attempt to speak to him, so we could get back on track to where we once were.
I asked him point blank, "Are you happy with us...me & you, us?" He looked at me confused, not under standing the question and then replied, "yeah, why?" I remember just looking at him, thinking, "How could I feel that way I do and he be 'happy' with us??" Just didn't make sense to me....it was as if we were in two entirely different marriages.
I nodded to him and said "ok"..walked to the recliner, sat down and began to weep...he just didn't get "it".
He noticed that I was crying, stopped what he was doing and came to sit next to me and said, "Do you ask yourself is this the person that you really want to spend the rest of my life with, yeah you begin to question it."
I responded, "After as long as we've been together, that's normal, but what have we done to make sure that we don't ever question it? I know you're not IN love with me...you haven't been for a very longtime...just like I'm not IN love with you"...we love each other, no doubt...but we haven't done anything to keep that connection...to keep that spark, that flame. Life took over and we gave into it."
He stood quiet for a moment and asked, "Where do we go from here?"
I looked at him and say, "We try...we try harder."
We hugged and proceeded back to life again.
The next two months weren't much different...life proceeded to do its thing and as usual we just did as it told us to do. Things with him & I didn't change much...we had a few family outtings but nothing that would reconnect us to where we once were.
So I started to spend time with friends at happy hours and going out for Girl's night .
He asked me what they had to offer me that he didn't. I told him, with them...I feel like I belong some where...I have a voice and they listen.
In my home I didn't feel like I belonged...I have a full house, but yet I felt so lonely...all the time. My daughter was 19 at the time and she had her life, my brothers are in their 20's and have theirs and my husband had his life with our 9 year old son that rarely involved me...I was a loner in my own home.
Then in April 2012...I suggested that starting in May I'd spend every other weekend away from the house..to figure out what it was that I wanted...maybe this was some type of mid life crisis I was going through.
*Before any of you start coming up to your conclusions...this wasn't about me having a "sancho" and I wanted a way to have my "other" life. This was about me trying to figure out what I wanted for me. I AM a mother, I AM a wife, I AM sister, I AM a caregiver...but first and foremost I AM a woman. I needed to care for that woman because she had been neglected for so long that no one even batted an eye when she cried out for help.
I also suggested therapy...but not couples therapy...I knew what it was that I needed...I needed the "IN Love" factor, something a therapist couldn't offer...I know what some of you are thinking..."that feeling doesn't last, marriage requires work" yes, marriage DOES require work but... FOR ME (*I am stressing this is ME...not the masses), if there's the IN love feeling happening...all that "work" won't seem like work...all of it will come effortlessly...because when you have that...spending time with the one you love, cooking, cleaning, talking, cuddling with them... will be a joy....not work.
Therapy...was for him...to face the demons that had been haunting him for years. (*before you ask...yes, I did receive his permission to write about our relationship...I would never throw anyone's business out there without their knowledge or ok)
He needed to address what had been holding him back from fulfilling the life he had always wanted for himself...whether it included me in it or not.
However, after the discussion about therapy...I knew in my gut... my marriage was over. So much had happened from the moment we got married up to this point...I didn't want to work at repairing it anymore. I wanted him to go through therapy to get him ready for it.
*Let me add...He is an amazing person, a phenomenal father and an incredible man...the problem was, he just was no longer MY Man (*there was no infidelity)...meaning that there is a woman out there that has been praying for him to come into her life & I have been keeping him from her. He deserves happiness & joy, just as much as I do. It was time that I let go.
So after a few sessions he seem to be okay...then one morning as I was getting ready for work...I was walking out of our restroom, passed the bed...he stopped me, held my hand and I just looked at him....no words were spoken and then he said, "Sometimes I feel when you look at me you already made your decision, you're just waiting for me to get better." Talk about someone knocking me over with a feather. I didn't say word...my eyes filled with tears and then he said, "You made your decision."
I nodded my head and began to cry.
I'm not going to go into detail of what it's been like since that decision had been made, but what I will say... it hasn't been easy.
What prompted me to write about this today...February 15, 2013...is today my divorce is final.
I am a divorced woman...I AM now single.
When I received the final decree a few weeks ago with that date, I am going to be honest...it didn't move me the way some people had described it would..."you'll be emotional, you'll be angry, you'll get depressed..etc."
Nope, I was not overcome by any of those emotions...I figured that I had already dealt with all of it when I was going through it last year...I let out every tear that I could possibly have when I made my decision.
Then something happened...yesterday 2/14/2013, I was denied a job that I really had my heart set on...oh wait...I forgot to tell you...I was also laid off last year...so I have been unemployed since 11/30/2012.
When I read the email stating that they were going with another candidate all I could do was cry. I have always maintained the state of positivity...always believing if its meant to be, it will be...but yesterday at 1pm...I was disappointed beyond all comprehension. I had to allow myself to release the emotions that I was feeling. I spoke to God and asked Him, "Please allow me to cry it out...tomorrow is a new day...but today I need this...I will break for a few hours to enjoy a beautiful celebration...but then allow the tears to flow." and as faithful as He has always been, He allowed me.
I posted on my Facebook status,
"Weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning"....is it morning yet?'
I really believed that once the first drop of sunshine hit my eyelids...I'd be just fine.
My daughter came into my bedroom to use my rest room and when she came out I told her I didn't get the job...she told me, like everyone else did, "Mommy, you know it's because God is setting you up for something way better." *gotta love your babies...anything they say makes everything almost better
I responded, " I know, Baby...just right now at this moment...I'm just disappointed." and I began to cry.
She laid next to me, hugged me and told me that all will be fine. I agreed and told that I'd be okay & to go enjoy her day.
She left the house and I continued to lay in bed crying. No matter how much I told myself, "Joy will come in the morning" I kept crying. I thought, "It's the next day...I only asked God to allow me one day, why am I still crying."
I looked over at my mirrored closet door and I could see myself lying down, but when I looked closely...I saw that was laid in a fetal position crying. Then it hit me. The night my mother passed away I came home and laid in the same spot, in the same position and cried.
I wasn't crying that I didn't get the job....
I was mourning my marriage, that is now over.
Here I thought I was okay...that I already went through all that I went through last year when I asked for the divorce, but it's like when my Mami was ill...I knew deep down her time was coming...everyday she was in the hospital I cried thinking I was preparing myself for the inevitable, that when her time came I'd be ready...but when the time came that we watched her take her last breath...I came home, laid in my same spot, in a fetal position and cried...I mourned what I thought I was ready for.
I happened to get a phone call from a dear friend during this revelation and she pointed out something so profound. She said, "Mamita...it's normal what you are feeling, for if it didn't affect you at all, it meant all that time you were married was in vain & you didn't learn anything. This emotion is God's way of saying to you...'Feel this, feel the pain & sorrow; that way, next time, you will know what do so you never feel this way again'."
Hmmph...nothing seemed final until today, but now I know what to do, so there will never be another 'next time' or 'final anything'.
My Readers...I never believed that divorce is ever the answer at resolving your marital problems. If your relationship is salvageable....SAVE IT! Talk to each other, Listen to one another.
Communication truly is key.
Continue to Be Inspired, Be Inspiring.
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