I AM a Goddess!

This picture sybolizes everything I think of when I say..

"I AM a Goddess"


I had been having writer's block, some time ago and i did not know what to do. I want to finish my book and I figured I just need to get some inspiration; so I called out to Mi Gente and My comadre said "turn to my inner Goddess and ask myself, "Why am I a Goddess?"

Hmmm, this one had me a bit stumped...so i started to think...Why AM I a Goddess...?"

Had she asked Why do i consider myself a Reina? I could answer that without thinking twice. "I AM Reina because I expect to be treated as a Queen should be: with respect, with love, with courtesy, with admiration, for my children: with FEAR!"

See...that wasnt a problem...pero...a Goddess?...not as quickly. So me, being the writer I am, I needed to do some research before answering the question.

Therefore I researched..."What IS a Goddess?"Webster's dictionary had this for a defination: actually two:

1. A female god 2. a woman whose great charm or beauty arouses adoration.

Interesting.

Then I found some more, here are other definations I found on sites like Wikipedia:

*A female god; A human female honored or adored as physically attractive or of superior charm and intelligence; A human female revered as divine, as in the case of the Germanic prophetess Veleda of the first century AD

*A wight of exeptional ability or power, which is divine. Intimately connected with the land, or a people, or some archetypal ability or practice. In Asatru, every thing, every person, every concept even has a god.

*Goddess is a diety; a diety is any supernatural being worshipped as controlling some part of the world or some aspect of life or who is the personification of a force

*A powerful entity that possesses numerous miraculous powersAfter carefully reviewing each of these definitions and how they pertain to me, I answered:

“I am a Goddess because I have the power to connect with anything, anybody or any place I encounter,
I am a Goddess because I am Fearless…ready to take on the world!
I am a Goddess because my loyalty runs deeper than any valley in existence, (ah, the Lioness in me)
I am a Goddess because I am a Mother…pretty miraculous.. if you ask me…
I am a Goddess because I am admired,
I am a Goddess because I am despised,
I am a Goddess because I am loved,
I am a Goddess because I am hated,
I am a Goddess because I am respected,
I am a Goddess because I am feared,

I have come to the conclusion that I am a Goddess because……I AM a Friggin Reina!!!!!

This Place

****Below is the something I wrote on a whim when i went to register for a creative writing class.at the local college. I did this thinking I had submit some of my creative work in order to take the class. Turns out that that wasnt a prerequisite...but English 101 was.

Enjoy...I still get goosebumps everytime I read this.

This Place

Something about this place helps me find serenity. I feel so relaxed when I enter the door, as old friends welcome me while new ones are introduced. This Place takes me to areas I've never been before and reminds me of areas I'd like to revisit.

I head upstairs, to the right, then straight ahead, my childhood awaits me. I laugh to myself as I hear the Mad Hatter chuckles to Alice, "Where's your hat?"

I hear a voice call me from behind, I get up, walk to the left and then I'm reminded of how excited I was when I became a "young lady" an excitement that started with, "Are you there God, It's me!"

Oh! How I love this Place, it helps me to escape the world I so desperately would like to run away from. Helping me to become someone else, if not for eternity but for a few hours. In those hours I AM that cinder girl who finds her prince, the southern belle who begs the world "as God is her witness she'll never go hungry" or the journalist who has five amazing chicas in her life she calls Sucias.

I hear voices from the past and present keep callng for me. They tell me, scream at me, "Remember Us!!"

"Remember how I fought for women's equal rights!", one exclaims.

Another whispers, "Remember, when I marched to D.C. and told the world of a Dream I had".

Then the sofest voice I ever heard, but yet so loud says, "John 3:16".

I'm reminded, "For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life"

"Yes, Remember us all, listen to our words, feel our pain, live our lives, so you may live your life with more abundance"

Yes, this Place reminds me of where I've been and where I'm headed.

Oh, this Place, I do try to visit every chance I get. I want to meet the new additions to the family, a family I hope to become part of one day.

Before I walk out, I search the list, a list that says my friend made it ..........

NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER

Paper Cuts!

I'm sitting here at work...on my break of course...and people watching. I see hostile tension between co-workers, the comadarie between others...then I see "them"...the couple that thinks that no one in the office knows are a couple...yiiiiyah..rrrright...no one can see the eye glances, or the slight touch of the shoulder, or how when you laugh; you feel the need to touch him with each giggle...you're right...no one notices because you hide it soo well.



My readers, this brings me to an interesting topic; have you ever worked somewhere and started up an office romance? Well I have been down this road...some ended amicably and well...others... not so kindly.



First, you have your interview...when asked, "Would you like a tour of the office?" You first instinct is, "Hell ya, i wanna see what type of people work here! Are the girls fashionable? Are the guys good looking? How about my boss?" Without realizing it, in the back of your mind, you're wondering if you'll be hookin up with any one; BEFORE you're even offered the job. But of course, you smile nicely and say, "Yes, a tour would be nice of, what would hopefully be my new work environement" you chuckle, the HR director chuckles and proceeds with the tour. She takes you through the orientation suite, then the break room, you stop at the IT office...you check it out, look around, but no one is there..then tour around the floor, look into the offices; see some good looking people. Lastly, to make it back to the receptionist area, thank the HR Director for their time and go home and cross your fingers for THEEE Phone call.


Well, congratulations, you got the job! Your first day is Monday and it so happens to be that there is a company meeting that day. Nice...you'll be able to scope everyone out and see if there are any potential datable people. You make eye contact with one good looking fella'; he smiles, you smile and then, without thinking...you wink at him, he gives you a coy smile while he blushes. Then, wouldn't luck have it, you're on the same team; you'll be working side by side with this cute guy.


Meeting is adjourned and off to the desk, that will be your new "home" for 40 hours a week. You meet your new collegue, you extend your hand and with poise introduce yourself, " Hi I'm Pandora". He smiles, you can see he likes your confidance, turns over to you and shakes your hand and says "Hi, I'm Adam".

Mmm Adam, you check him out from head to toe, dark hair, dark eyes, built like an adonis...oh..to see this man, you would think the Statue of David was a replica of THIS man...oh yummy..he's well dressed in a nice pinstripe suit, pale blue shirt, no tie....you make your way down to his feet and see that he's finished off the beautiful suit with wingtip shoes and while scoping out his shoes; you begin to pray to the fashion gods, that he's wearing...BINGO!! Black socks! To me it is such a turn off when a man wears white socks with EVERYTHING!!!

His handshake is firm, it says he isn't afraid to treat you like an equal not like a dainty flower with a whimpy handshake. I personally cant stand those type of handshakes...i like to be taken seriously...a strong, firm handshake says it "...I'M HERE FOR BUSINESS!!"

So, Adam begins to train you, shows you all that needs to be done so the team is successful. You catch on the his flirtatious attitude and just like an archer looking for a bullseye, you find your mark, only you're the arrow and he's the bullseye.

You begin to learn the business and go to him for everything, even for the most tideous things; just to be near his "aroma". Your heart starts to skip a beat when he comes near your desk, you think he's coming to talk to you, only to see that he has to pass your desk to get to the community fax. Oh, Adonis Adam...notice me, because you will be mine.

He starts to ask you out to lunch, you play coy and decline the first two times he asks, saying you had prior plans but "maybe next time". "Keep him interested" you tell yourself, "you dont want to play too hard to get". So, when next time happens to come around, you decide to invite him for lunch. Unlike you, he gladly accepts, you go out to lunch and people from the office start to notice that you two are becoming "friendly". Then the stares, whispering and snickering begin. You tell yourself, "who cares nothing is happening; even if there was, its none of their business"

He starts to slack off at work,but you dont care, because look at him...he is FINE!!! You decide to cover for him. When upper management assigns a report to be completed by the end of the week, just like a school girl meeting up with her high school crush, you get all giddy because you'll be working late nights with him. You work 12 hour days to get the report completed, Adonis Adam hadn't worked one hour of overtime...as soon as quitting time strikes, he hits the door without so much as offering to help complete the report.

You thought the late nights would spark up the romance between you two, but all you have to show for those late nights are not the sensual glow of a woman being with her adonis, but rather countless papercuts from trying to get the report completed by the deadline.

Since there wasnt much for him to do and you decide to get bold...you ask him if he'd like to go out for drinks. You know it was a rough week (mainly for you since you did all the work) and figured this is exactly what you needed to get the edge off. He accepts and says, "I know just the right spot"...you take that as an enuendo and reply, "First, you'll need to buy me a drink before you try to find the right spot" and then wink at him. A smile comes across his face...HOOKED! "I got him interested" you think to yourself.

The night is definitely eventful. What started out as a couple of drinks, turned into tequila shots being thrownback left and right. Your confident because you can handle your liquor which has him more intrigued with you. Then he goes for it...steals a kiss. But is really stealing when you know you would have been very willing to give it to him? One thing leads to another and you wake up in a hotel room. Passed out beside you is Adonis Adam, he's sound alseep, you slowly run your fingers down his body..thinking out of all the men in the office to date, you got THIS man. Then...something overcomes you and you have the urge to look through his wallet. Call it intuition or maybe plan ass noseyness, but you know it'll eat at you if you dont. You slide out of bed trying not to wake him and reach for his pants to get his wallet and notice that his phone is vibrating. You pick it up to see the caller ID and across the screen says, "WIFEY"...WHAT!!??? Frantically you pull out the wallet and as you flip the wallet open, you hope it will only be his driver's license...no...its a wedding picture of him and his "WIFEY". You grab the phone and throw it at his head and wake him..." What the hell!!!" He screams. You respond in a calm voice,"Oh, my bad...I thought maybe you'd want to answer the phone call from your WIFE!!!!" you shout.

You grab your clothes and run to the bathroom and begin to cry...as the tear falls from your eye, down your cheek it strikes right down on one of your papercuts; stinging it. You grab your finger and squeeze it to stop the stinging. All you can think about was: What was work going to be like on Monday!

So, my readers...please think twice before starting off an office romance, because if not careful, you just might end up with a papercut!

Someone was able to capture my first 40 years in...."A Time Comes"

This was forwarded to me and it was an amzing read; kudos to the unknown autther. This sums up exactly whay I felt when I woke up to my 40th birthday. Hope you all enjoy it as much as i did. All i can say is..."GWOW!!!"

A Time Comes

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ? ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes and you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to respect your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world, and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love; romantic love and familial love. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that love is a verb, it is action. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less.

And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise--to never betray yourself. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live, as best as you can.


****NOTE: Again, please let me disclose I am not takingin credit for this; I did not write this (oh, how I wish I had, it says everything I had been trying to put down on paper for quite some time...whomever the author is, "I thank you")

A New "Leo" Gift to the World

The Pied Piper of Babies

Isis seems to have a way with babies, they just love her.



I'm so excited that my Bestest's son was born, August 8, 2009. We went to go see them at the hospital on my birthday, talk about a great gift. He turned to me and said, " I know you said you wanted a baby girl on your birthday, but would you settle for a baby boy the day before?"

Look at him, how is that settling? He's beautiful!! No matter when the baby was born, that is not settling, that is a precious gift...I would have been thrilled no matter the month or day he was born.

Congrats my Bestest!! Love you!

Three Forty One

It is the eve of my 40th Birthday. My friends and family came out to celebrate this milestone in my life last night, actually…wait… it was two nights ago. We had a flashback to the 80’s party, as you all read earlier in the blog and we had a ball. It was great seeing old friends, some whom I haven’t seen in years and the new ones came out to celebrate as well. Not to even mention family members whom I haven’t seen in months, My Auntie Eva came out from Idaho to celebrate with me and my brother, it was a perfect touch to a perfect celebration.
However, I couldn’t help feeling a bit saddened, one person especially didn’t make it to see this milestone happen….my Mother.


I’d received a call from my Comadre Jenny two days before the event, she was to fly out for the party, however, the call was not to give me flight information but to tell me that due to circumstances beyond her control, she was unable to make it. When I heard her finish telling me the news a huge wave of emotion consumed me. I tried to fight the tears and then she said, “Coma’ go ahead and let them out, I know because I did the same.” Just like someone turning on a faucet, I began to sob. I told her in between the tears, “I didn’t think it would affect me like this”. We spoke some more and then we hung up, but not before we said our “I love you’s” …just as we’ve always have because you never know if that’ll be last conversation you ever have with that person.

After the phone call I sat and cried some more, I was baffled as to why I reacted the way I had.
Then it hit me…this is the first birthday without my Mom. A lot of people have told me that the first holidays after a loved one has passed away are the toughest.

The first holiday was her birthday, it was two days after she passed away, but we didn’t grieve, we actually had a birthday dinner for her and celebrated her life, so we still felt a strong presence with us that day.



Then came Mother’s day, yeah, that one was tough; we only stayed long enough for me to give her and my grandmother flowers. The minute I saw the marker where she was buried, I started crying. I looked at my husband and kids and told them, “we need to go” and we left.

Fourth of July came around and 3 of my 4 brothers were with my family and I. We went to our old neighborhood for the Fourth of July firework show. Everything was fine…we had spent the earlier part of the day swimming and then taking long walk to grab some lunch. We returned back to our site where we had setup our chairs to watch the show; we sat to eat and the band started playing. We always liked hearing the band, they played great cover music and we just enjoy ourselves and watching people around us dance and sing along…then it happened. A few cords were played and I knew the song immediately; I felt like the dog that was trained to hear a bell and his mouth started salivating because he knew it was time to eat. For me, it was when I heard “Brown Eyed Girl” that my eyes would tear up and the vision of my Mom in the hospital telling me “My Brown Eyed Girl...every time you hear that song you think of me, okay? I love you”…I turned to my brothers and all three of them must have had the same memory because they too had tears in their eyes. Then to try to make light of it, we all reminded each other of how we spent last Fourth of July in Huntington Beach and how pissed Mom was because she had to walk so far to get to where we were and it was blazing hot. She wanted to kill all of us; we all remembered how she looked at us that day and we just started chuckling about it. Had we known then that we weren’t going to have her with us this Fourth of July, we would have had someone carry her to us, so she would have not had to walk in the heat!

My brother Sergio was the first of us to have his first birthday without Mom. At the party I wanted to know what that felt like. “Brother, this has been bitter sweet since Mom is not here. Since you were the first one to have the first birthday without her, was it hard?”He looked at me and said, “you know Sis, I aint gonna lie…its been tough and I try not to think of it, because if I do, it reminds how I missed her funeral and pain surfaces again. I like to think it’ll get easier, she made was strong, right?” He was right and I told him, “She made us each strong but the five of us together…she made us invincible!!” then he kissed me on my cheek and wished me a happy early birthday.

Then it was Frankie’s turn, the next to experience his first birthday without her. Since the party was on his actual birthday, we didn’t get a chance to talk about it. I do know however, that he was thinking about it because he went to the cemetery to visit her earlier in the day for his birthday before the party started. …which I thought wasn’t a bad idea.
I suppose for me it’s been especially hard because ever since I could remember, every year my Mom would always wake me up the middle of the night to wish me ‘Happy Birthday’; when I was old enough to ask why she always did that, she said, “I always want to be the first to wish you happy Birthday, Mija...it was August 9, 1969 at 3:41 am that you were born. As long as God gives me strength to wake up every year at that time, I will always be the first to wish you happy Birthday.

Since then, no matter where I was on my birthday, whether I was home asleep, I’d get woken up or if I was out for my birthday…there would be note on my bed waiting for me…”its 3:41am, you weren't here, but I wanted to be the first one, Happy Birthday My Brown Eyed Girl”, I’m bummed that I never saved any of those notes. I would have loved to have been able to place those in my scrapbook.

As the years went on, she didn’t have the strength to do it anymore, so I would get phone calls later and later in the day. Now with her being gone, the phone calls at 3:41 am or 3:41 pm will be no more…and that’s hard to accept.

Now as I’m typing this blog entry I look at the clock and its 3:40am, I look at my bedroom door and hoping that at 3:41am she’ll be coming through that door to wake me up and be the first to wish me Happy Birthday. I’m not delusional I know that’ll never happen; I have a better chance of going to sleep and wait for her to appear to me and tell me, “My Brown Eyed Girl made it to 40, Happy Birthday, Mija”

I thought my first Mother’s Day was bad….but I would have to say…no…it’s definitely my first birthday without her….now, that’s tough.

80's Throwback Pix

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The Nerd I married, he was such a good sport about us dressing him up.

The shirt I had made for the evening read:

"La Reina turns 40"

One of the group shots featuring, Valley Girls, Rockers and Nerds... Oh MY!!

"David Lee Roth" and his groupie

Isis and Natty...hip hop and pop together

Ah... the women of the Clicka

My Bestest and I start off the Soul Train line..

showing dem young'stas' how its done..


That's right
"Its my Birfday I'm Shorty its my Birfday"

I wish you all enough!!!!
Love you!

*Note: More pix from the evening..are posted on my Facebook

80's Throwback Birthday Bash

Our Birthday cake, couldnt afford the 80's bday cake i saw, so I improvised. Included MJ (RIP) and of

course the infamous

AQUA NET!!

Hello Hello The 80's throwback bash...was a SMASH!!

My Brothe Frankie turned 35 on the day of the event (August 7), my 40th bday is tomorrow (Ausgust 9)...we did it like our Moms use to do whe she celebrated our milstone bdays...TOGETHER. The invite list consisted of 100 people, about 80% showed up AND showed out!! The 80's gear every one wore brought back so much memories, ones that I thought I had forgotten until last nite.

The first part of the of the day was a bit rough that I contemplated cancelling the event...sooo glad i didn't. I needed it very much and from the pictures so did alot of people.

The picture I used for this poster was taken at our Mothers memorial service, we were remembering a funny moment about our Mom and our Cousin Judy captured this shot...talk about perfect!

Since this was a combo bday bash, I needed a birthday sign that rep'd both of us. The Birthday poster was just what I was looking for. I surprised my brother with it...and he was.

The DJ for the eveing was DJ Streek (Henry Martinez) those of you who went to high school with us, know that having DJ Streek on a flyer would insure a big turnout for your hoiuse parties. So, I knew when i decided to do the throwback, iut would be featuring my boy!! As my daughter says, "Henry killed it with the music" (Trust...this is a HUGE compliment from a 16 year old)

As people started to arrive, we saw..."NERDS" (Actually, only one Nerd), "Easy E & Dr. Dre", "David Lee Roth & one of his groupies", lots of Valley Girls, some 80's Hootchie Mamas, a "Latoya Jackson", (yes, she was very 80's)we had Hip Hop B-boys, some prep boys with their collars popped up and even a "Carlton" was their...a bit taller than the original.

Due to the sound ordinace (yes...sound ordinace...damn haters ) we had to shut it down, with the last song being played by 11:30pm...

We had to end right...with a Soul Train Line....What did we stroll to...none other than Jamaica Funk!!!
It definitley was a memorable nite and with the way my brithers and I started out new year, this was what we needed.

Thank you who were there and those of you that were not able to make it...I would have no problem re-creating the evening again. Enjoy the pcitures.

This picture was taken outside my house the day after my Mom passed away. I lived on my street for three years and I never noticed that the leaves changed colors, til the morning after.

****I noticed that the last blog I posted was about my Mom's passing. I came across something I had written the day after, that I wanted to share with all of you.****

January 2, 2009 7:31am

Have you ever looked at a tree and compared it to your own life.

Ever notice the similarities?

When your happy and full of spirit; you walk tall and want to spread your limbs as a tree does when its cared for.

A tree goes through so many changes as each year goes by.

It starts its life as a seed and with watering and nuturing it makes its life into this amazing piece of nature that helps gives us shade in the summer, becomes shelter when its raining and a friend that we want to lean upon when needed to write, read or think.

During all this time as the hottest fashion runways change with each season so do the colors of the leaves.

We see them change from from a hunter green to burnt orange then to finally make their way down to the ground.

January 1, 2009 9:50pm was when the last leaf fell from my mothers tree.

She had been ill for some time and we were trying to coach her back to recovering; so her leaves would make it to that bright hunter green color they once use to be.

Unfortunately it was time for my mom to go back home to our Creator.

This is loss that has become so unbearable that I am thankful for my friends, my brothers, my husband and children to help me cope.
They have all, in some way, have helped to insure that my leaves will stay some sort of green.

The Day Her Brown Eyes Turned Blue

****NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN 19 DAYS AFTER MY MOM'S DEATH...ITS JUST TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO GET THE STORY OUT*****

Yes, you read right? My Mother passed away, January 1, 2009 at 9:50 pm, even though her death certificate will say 10pm, my brothers and I know better...we were there.


Those of you who know me, know my Mother had been ill for quite sometime and it was just a matter of time before I had to deliver this news. I wasn't ready to write about it earlier and frankly, I still don't think I am, but I'm going to try.



It started New Year's Eve, December 31st, 2008, it was bitter sweet...my Bestest had announced earlier in the day that he and his wife were expecting their 2nd child...due date? August 9th (you all know I was excited to hear that!) my brothers left to spend the New Year with my Aunties (all four of them) since Mom had been sick she wasn't fit to travel long distance, so My family and I stayed at home with her. (another year with Dick and Ryan...no big deal) I remember her saying..."Mija, just give me a vicodin and I'll knock out and be out of your hair." Just like her...to try not to be a burden to me. Through the night, she had been complaining of pain her leg and I gave her another Vicodin...hoping it would ease her pain. I should have seen it as a red flag, but i was so tired I just wanted to get some sleep. You see one of us had to sleep next to her just in case she woke up in the middle of the night and needed something, since by brothers were with our family in Riverside...it would be me to stay with her. The moaning just kept up and I was getting so frustrated cause i was sooo tired. I snapped at her a couple of times, something to this day I dont think i could ever forgive my self for. Finally dawn broke and I had no choice but to take her back to the hospital, she had requested that my brothers come and get her and I told her that since they had all been drinking that didnt make sense..I would take her. Michael called by brother and told him to meet us at the hospital..he would later be the one to make all the decisions...possibly one of the hardest decisions that any of us would ever be faced with.

All the way to the hospital she had been complaing of the pain and i snapped at her...again and told her that I was driving as fast as I could to get her there. You see I lived in South Orange County and I had to take to Moreno Valley..not exactly a 15 minute drive.

We arrived at the hospital and my brother was waiting for us outside. He told me to go get some sleep and he'll take care of everything from there. i just glared at him thinking, "Yeah, you got to enjoy your New Year while I had to deal with all this...as usual..figures" at that point i was relieved that he was going to take care of it. I told him I would sleep in the car for a bit til we hear from the doctor exactly what is wrong with her. That was at 9:05am.


I slept for about 15 minutes...needed to find out if everything was okay. I went back into the emergency where they had her and I could hear her moaning, "It hurts It Hurts" I thought she was being over dramtic has she always had been my entire life. I rolled my eyes and asked my brother what did the doctor say. He says, they are waiting to calm her down first before doing any tests. I looked over at her and yelled at her, "Mom, you need to calm down so we can figure what is wrong!" She looked at me with tears and cried, "I know but it really hurts!!!" The nurse then interjected and told my Mom they were going to be giving her some pain medication to relieve some of the pain she was experiencing.


My brother could see the frustration and told me to go home, get some sleep and just to make sure I come back. I told him I would, I looked over at Mom at that moment and saw how fragile and weak she looked...then I choked and my eyes filled with tears...what was wrong with me? I went up to her kissed her on the forehead and apologized, "Mami I am sooo sorry, please forgive me!" She looked up at me and said, "My Brown Eyed Girl...no need to say yur sorry..I know you were tired"

I said bye to my brother and told him i'd be back later. I cried all the way home. I got home and slept for about and hour or so..it felt like 5 minutes. I could hear Michael talking to someone, "Yeah, she still sleeping...I'll tell her..is there anything else...?" At that moment i woke up and asked him who it was..."Its your brother" he said.


"I'll take the call, give the phone...please" I asked as I motioned for him to hand over the phone.


Half asleep, I answered, "Dude..whats up?, everything okay?"


"yeah, just wanted to see what time you were heading back here...get some sleep..i just wanted to know when i could expect you"


I cleared my throat and told him, "Im on my way..I just woke up, Im good..how is she?"


"They moved her up to ICU, just get here as soon as you could, okay" he had this sort of worried toned when he asked me to come back.


"Im on my way..." then i hung up and jumped into the car.



I had driven the distance to the hospital a hundred times but it never seemed as long as it did right that this moment. About 30 minutes into the driving...it was about 4pm...my cell phone rang and looked down to see who it was...it was my ex sister in law, Brandy.

I answered the phone..."Hello"


"Lisa, its Brandy...where are you at?"


"Im in Riverside near 14 th street, why?


" Lisa, I need you to pull over..."


My heart sank at that moment..."this is it..this is the call I have been dreading" i thought to myself..."Lisa, you're strong...you've been preparing yourself for this moment" I said to myself.


"Okay, hold on" I told her...so i veered off to the side of the freeway and took a deep breath for the news I was about to recieve.


"Lisa, Frank just spoke to the doctor and the doctor told him that there was two options that can be done your guys Mom"..she started to say.


"You mean she still alive?" I asked..."Yes, she's still knocked out, they have her on pain killers" Brandy says.


"Well what are the options" I asked her.that


"the doctor says that there is a flesh eating bacteria eating at her legs and they could perform surgery but no guarantee she'd survive it..." she starts to say.


"what's the other option" I asked.


"the other option is that they make her comfortable with the pain meds and wait" she finishes.


"Wait for what?" I said.


She took a deep breath..and then she said, "To pass away...Lisa, Frankie cant make this decision he needs you to tell him what to do"


He can't make that decision? What? I could? How do i make that type of decision...i needed ALL my brothers.

"Brandy, can they wait, I'll be there in 20 minutes?" i asked.

"Thats just it, Lisa, they need a decison now so they can prep the operating room" she explains.

What do i do? I kep thinking to myself...this is our mother how do i say: let her attempt to live or let her die? I was up all night watching her go through that pain...what is surgery going to do for her? Cause more pain? Can we watch her go through that?


So I said it...."Brandy, tell Frankie...no surgery"...God forgive me.


When i had finally arrived to the hospital, all my brothers were there. They escorted me to the ICU department where our Mom was. When i saw her, I wanted to break down and let out all my pain, but i knew my bothers were looking to me for guidance and strength. I told myself, "Later, you break down later, the boys need you now"


My brother, Frank, walked in with the doctor to explain to me the progression that had taken place from when i brought her into emergency to when they placed her in ICU. It was pretty bad and the doctor said had we opted for the surgery the likelihood of her surviving was in the low double digits.




I pulled the doctor aside and asked her what do we do from here. She said that they would keep our Mom as comfortable as possible, they had her on pain medication and that it should happen fairly quickly. I gave the doctor a baffled look, "Fairly quickly? Doctor, what exactly are you telling me? Our mother is going to die tonight?"





The doctor had assumed that i knew exactly what she meant when she said that it would "happen fairly quickly". "Im so sorry, yes...your Mother may not make it through the evening"




I just froze when she finished her sentance. I looked in the room and saw my four brothers surrounding my bareley coherent mother. Each brother took turns holding her hand and each asking for my mother's forgiveness for all the heartache they caused her while they were growing up. I watched each of these men with tears in their eyes as they witness their mother slowly passing away. I was so sad to see these four strong men; men that when they themselves have been faced on the verge of death, guns have been pointed at their head and with no fear say, "You got the balls to pull the trigger, then pull it." These same men now have fear in their eyes that i have never seen before, as they are left to wonder what their lives will be like without their Mother in it.


How am i suppose to tell them that Mom wont be with us tomorrow morning. How do i say that? My next thought was my daughter, Isis, she needed to me here and be here now. I left the ICU to call my husband. "Hello" he answered. My voice was quivering as I began to speak, "Honey, they gave my Mom less than 24 hours...I need Isis here now..where is she?" i began to sob. "Babe im so sorry..she went to the movies with her friends, do you want me to get her and take her" he asked. "Yes, please..i want to make sure she sees my Mom and says her final goodbye to her, you know how close they were, please hurry"

*****When I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter, my Mom and I had gotten into a huge arguement and I moved out. I was so pissed at her that I had threatened that she would never see the baby (we didn't know whether is was a boy or a girl, all i knew was I didnt want her near the baby) I moved in with one of my Aunties and trying to get through my pregnancy with out her. After a month of living with my Aunt I had a doctor's appointment but no one was around to take me; i had no choice but to call my mom and ask her if she would be able to take me. She said she would; she came to pick me up and i barely said two words to her. We arrived to the appointment and it was my turn to see the doctor. I was going to have an ultrasound and i knew i didnt want to know the sex of the baby; i wanted to be surprised. My anger had obviously disappeared but i still held a grudge but let it go long enough to ask her if she wanted to come in with me.

The nurse asked me to change and lay on the table and wait for the doctor while he finished with another patient. The nurse tried to make small talk with me and my mom.

"So is this your first baby?" she asked while she was getting the gel to place on my belly to start the ultrasound.

"Yes", I answered, then my mom chimmed in, "Yes, it my first grandbaby" with a huge grin, for the moment she forgot that we were hardly speaking.

"Do you have any other children?" she asked her. "Yes, I have four sons, this is my only girl" she exclaimed so proudly as the nurse was rubbing the utrasound paddle back and forth across my belly with one hand and hitting a computer keys taking screen shots with the other.

"Yeah, there hasn't been a girl in the house for 22 years" I said. The nurse was listening while she looked closely at the screen, there were a few"uh huh's" between statements and then with a smile she said, "Until now" as she pointed to the screen.

My mom and I stopped moving and I said, "What? what do you mean until now?" I had completely forgot to tell the nurse that i didnt want to know the baby's sex.

"Congratulations, you're having a baby Girl!" she gleamed like she just knew she delivered the best news on earth....little did she know...she did!

My mom and I looked at each other both with tears in our eyes and hugged each other. She kissed me on my forehead, rubbed my belly and said, "I finally get my I-ziz (Isis), you will tell her her Grandma named her okay, Mija."

She always said that if anyone of us kids had a girl first we were to promise and name her Isis.

I smiled back at her and as i was rubbing my belly told her "I will make sure she never forgets, Mom"

Since that day we always knew Isis was meant to do great things. Even in my belly, she was able to accomplish what other people couldn't do.....mend her Mommy and Grandma's broken hearts.*****

Through all this, my husband has been so amazing. He watched my relationship with my mother go from hot to cold in a matter of seconds. He would stand by and watch me give her money or pay her rent because she couldnt do it on her own and I would feel so proud that I could that for her because i was in a good place in my life to do it. Then how I would complain about after having a 5 minute conversation with her on the phone and feel mentally exhausted after i was done.

*****There was this time when she and I had a really bad falling out. I was pregnant with our son and I just let her have it, i told her how much i resented all the shit that she put me through when i was growing up and reamed her like i never reamed anyone in my life. She left crying and i went back in the house and was so angry. I told my husband I was done and couldn't deal anymore, I just need to stop talking to her. About a few weeks later, he and I went to a movie and there was a quartet playing some songs while people walked around the shops and then they started a few cords which i automatically recognized the song and my eyes started to tear up...it was "Brown Eyed Girl"

He looked over to me and saw my tears fall down my cheek, he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Babe, call her...its your Mom and I cant imagine you not having her a part of your life, especially now." He was right.

I called my Mom, "Hello" she answered. "Ma' its me...i am sooooo sorry, please forgive me, i had no right to talk to you the way I did and I feel sooooo bad" and then I started to cry.

"Baby, its okay, you needed to let all that out for you, not for me and Im sorry too that you held that in all these years." she replied.

"Mommy, I love you" "I love you too, Baby"...just like that we were back to being us.*****


I always said my heart belong to four major people in my life...My grandparents, my uncle Ralph and my Mom. If i were to ever lose any of them (which I did) i would be a mess, but losing my mother?... I would become a wreck. I'd always hoped that I'd have a strong mate if that ever happened because i was going to need him to stand by me as i try to function. I was lucky enough to have Michael by my side to help ease my pain or at least try.


He has truly been a God send.


After i hung up with him I went to the waiting room to see my family and my aunts were there. All grieveing; not knowing what was happening behind the metal doors was killing them and I could see it in their face. My Mother was the oldest girl and was a second mother for them. She had been there to care for them from diapers to every heartache, every addiction and all the growing pains in between. How can I tell them that their Big Sister; their second Mother had less than 24 hours to be with us. This was news that i didnt have the heart to deliver.


They all turned towards the door and saw me on the other side of the window; even though I didnt say a word, the look in my eyes told them what I couldnt.


I walked in the waiting room and told them that the doctor is only allowing me and my brothers in with her and if anything changes I will come and get them.


They didnt argue with me, they said for me to take as much time as I needed with her. If any people on this earth knew what my relationship with her was like...it was these women. Through all that we went through...my aunts tried playing referrees, mediators, confidants anything to help my mom and i make are relationship stronger. No matter what it may have been...this was my Mom...I may not have liked her, oh but I loved her and love her. If it werent for her, i wouldnt have had the strength to have endured what life has thrown at me. She showed me that you would do anything to make sure you're family is never without. How when things seemed so bleek, she could turn it around by making her famous meatloaf. I knew when she made meatloaf things would be okay.





When I was telling my brother how bad I felt for being so frustrated and I hoped Mom forgave me. My brother turns to me and says, " Lisa, I told mom, "please dont be mad at her Mom, she's just tired' Mom looked at me Lisa and said, "No Mijo, Im not mad at her...I made your sister with all the strength in the world...i just forgot to give her patience'" after my brother told me that, I broke inside. My eyes filled with tears but i couldnt let him see me fall apart because he and my other brothers needed me to be strong.


Later Lisa, you can break down later...not now.


I went to speak to the doctor to make sure that the priest would be there to read her her last rites. The doctor had said they called him and that he should be there shortly. I looked at the clock and still no Isis and Michael. I kept thinking, "I hope they make in time"


I went back in the room and found my brothers just sitting with blank looks on their faces and I saw that one of my mother's hands were free, so I figured it was my turn to to speak to her. I walked over to her, brushed her hair from her forehead, held her hand and laid my head an her shoulder.



I whispered in her ear, "Mommy its me, you said you wanted to see all of us together at the same time in the same room...we're all here Mom." By this times tears were streaming down my face and then I continued, "Mom, if you cant hang any longer, it's okay to go, you made me strong enough to watch over the boys and I'll always look out for them....I am my brothers' keeper. Go, Mommy go with all my Tios and my Abuelo and Abuela, they're waiting for you." Those were probably the hardest words I ever had to say, because the reality was i had to let her go and I didn't know how to?

I just stared down her face and watched her sleep, i looked over at the monitor and saw that there was still a pulse and some activity...i knew she heard everything i was saying to her. Just then her eyes opened half way and she smiled, looked up at me and said, "My Brown Eyed Girl, why you crying?"

My brothers turned quickly to see her, this is the first time since she was placed in ICU that she spoke. I could see the boys wanted to just talk to her but they also realized she was weak. She looked around the room and saw all of us surrounding her bed. Where's Iziz?

"She and Michael are on their way Mom " i told her.

"That's my Iziz...i named her, tell her i love her " she said.

"Why are all you crying whats wrong?" she said as she looked at each of us.

We had to explain to her what decision we had made, she argued with us and begged us to give her a chance to survive the surgery. We couldnt believe it. We were shocked that she would want to put herself through all that pain. However, as a mother myself, if i saw all my kids grieving for me, i too would want to try to ease their pain anyway i could; even if that means that I endure all their pain, becasue as a parent isn't that what you would do?

We spoek to the doctor and explained what she wanted and we asked the doctor what were her chances of surviving at this point and the doctore replied, "Her chances of surving has dropped to the single digits"

We all looked at each other, half of us wanted the surgery and the other said "no more pain for her". This would be the first time that my brothers and would be on oppsite sides of a debate.

One brother said, "Lisa, you're the oldest, what ever you say I'll stand by you"
The next brother, "What if she could survive? We have to believe, right?"
The next brother, "She has been in lot of pain, do we put her through that?"

Then the last brother and this one hit hard, "Fuck that! No, no...it has to be surgery, we're going to do the surgery...if there is a slight chance that she can survive, we have to try. If you guys choose no surgery, Fuck that...that's on all you, dont fucken say i agree with you, yeah majority will make the decision but no, she has to make ...she has to...Fuck..its Mom" with every hard word that he was saying the tears seem to fall even harder.

I looked at all their faces and then I spoke, " Mijos, i know what you're all saying, but she's been living with me for a month and i've slept near her practically every night. I hear the pain she's having and her mobility is none. If we opt to do the surgery and she doesnt make it...do you know where we're all saying our final goodbye? On a surgery table where she'd be cut open...I dont knwo about you but i dont want that to be the last vison of her in my head to ne that, I say no surgery..no more pain for her...here...in this bed...til her last breath..this is where she should be with all of us surrounding her. This is where she should be not on an operating table"

Its hard when we're faced with a decision to let go of a loved one. Our selfishness takes over and we want them with us forever but never thinking of what it might mean for them. I think my brothers thought about that and then agreed that we wouldn't do the surgery, but to put her mind at ease, we told her the otherwise. After she thanked us all for giving her a chance, she looked at each of my brothers and told them that she loved them and then she looked at me and said,

"Baby, My Brown Eyed Girl...everytime you hear that song you think of me, okay? I love you."

Those would be the last words we would all hear from her.

The priest finally showed up and started reading her final rites and we watched the numbers on her monitor get lower and lower til at 9:50pm when she took her last breath.

As the last breath left her mouth I felt an overwhelming feeling of pain and just when i went to fall to my knees, one of my brother ran up to me before I could hit the floor, grabbed me and whispered in my ear, "No, Lisa, no...we need you, we need you to be strong."

Just like that, I grabbed my composure, wiped my tears and held my baby brother...

Not now Lisa, you can't breakdown now...the boys need you..later..you can breakdown later

All a while i thought, 'Isis didnt make it to see her' and I'll need to help her through that pain.

I went downstairs to meet Michael and Isis, I broke down for a second, but then I saw Isis and knew I had to be strong for her too, she just lost her grandmother and she needed to grieve and as her Mother I needed to let her do that.

My family was in the ICU room to comfort my brothers; when Isis arrived she completely lost it and my brothers all held her. I looked over to my husband and told him that he and Isis go on ahead with out me because i wanted to drive home alone.

After an hour, I grabbed my things and as I walked away from the ICU room; my brothers and aunties were singing a heartfelt final "Happy Birthday" to Mom...she would have been 59 on January 3rd.

I reflect back on this night often and i believe deep down inside that she knew that we told her that we were going to have to surgery to put her at peace, this is why she said her final "I love you's" to us...just in case.

Mom, you are our Original Latin Queen...forever in our hearts and never forgotten.

We miss you and love you every second, of every minute, of every day!!!

****Im told the pain will never go away but will subside each day; making it easier to survive it. I still havent fully grieved the loss of My Mother, but writing this has helped some...not completely but some...thank you for taking the time to read this.****

THAT Latina!

I was on the net searching around for different poetry and came across this one, the Author is Unknown but whomever wrote this, my hat off to you.....

See that Latina

Love that Latina

Never put another above that Latina

Hold that Latina

Don`t try to mold or scold that Latina

Respect that Latina

Always protect that Latina

Don`t neglect or disrespect Latina

Cry for that LatinaSigh for that Latina

Don`t lie or try to deny that Latina

Bask in the glory of that Latina

Tell the lifelong story of that Latina

Teach your daughters to be that Latina

Help in the struggle to free that Latina

Get on one knee and propose tothat Latina

Confide in the warmth inside that Latina

Abide in unselfish pride of that Latina

Don`t put so much work into trying to ride that Latina

Appreciate that LatinaDon`t berate that Latina

Don`t try to emasculate or domesticate that Latina

See that Latina

Admire that Latina

Desire that LatinaBe inspired by that Latina

Use your mind to set fire to that Latina

Be true to that Latina

Always do for that Latina

Slowly undress that Latina

Gently caress that Latina

Make Love to that Latina

Kiss and hug that Latina

Learn to know that Latina

Don`t be afraid to show that Latina

That you are willing to grow with thatLatina

Uphold that Latina

Console that Latina

You`re a fool if you think you can control that Latina

Share with that Latina

Be fair to that Latina

Sincerely care for that Latina

Always be there for that Latina

Bow your head and pray with that Latina

Remember to stay with that Latina

Stop trying to just lay with that Latina

Never mind what they say about that Latina

No other will ever brighten your day like

that Latina

Guuuuurrrrrl Talk...Part Duex

Well, Well, well.....I'm baaack...okay we left off, where? Marriage? Oh yeah that's when my head starting hurting, now the next topic: Weight...


Uh..do I REALLY want to go there? Okay speaking from experience..Ladies...this is about ME, not anyone I have spoken to, so I am not divulging anything about any one (at least not on THIS topic.. that is :-0). This topic has always been a sore subject with me. I suppose it had something to do with someone from my past (as do all type of baggage we carry, right?) I never really thought much about my weight and if there was an issue with it until my late twenties. Growing up, you have to remember I'm Mexican/Italian...hellooooo ...fideo and spaghetti, also carne asada and lasagna...need I say more. There was never an issue....in both cultures, the more weight a woman weighed, the better wife she'd be because of the GREAT cooking.....uh...can I tell you I lost that gene....I can't cook to save my life. Sidenote: this is why anyone I ever dated had to know how to cook otherwise he'd starve. So back to the issue at hand. I dated mostly Latin and Black men, because they could appreciate my physique. Until one day...there was one that couldn't. We dated for two+ years and I really thought we were headed down the aisle until he said these words out loud:
"The reason I won't marry you, is because you're overweight." I was so floored I couldn't believe someone would actually say that. A couple of months ago, I was watching "Tyler Perry's Why did I get married" there was a couple in the movie that the husband just bashed his wife for her weight throughout the scene . It brought back those memories, it was like a knife cutting into my heart. Since, THAT incident with my ex I didn't so much try to work on my weight, at least not all the time. I did, however, work on the self esteem I had lost, can't say that he had taken it...to quote Kat Williams..."No one can take your self esteem...it is the Esteem of YOURSELF, Bitches!!!" One day I looked in the mirror and realized, I AM A WOMAN...a woman with hips, a woman with thighs, a woman with breasts (gave some up, but still have plenty) a woman with an a'.....okay maybe not an ass (that's my Mexican side)...I know... I know... squats will help that...yeah yeah...so I'm told. Nonetheless, A WOMAN who loves her self...Flaws and All.!!!!

Guuuuurrrrrl Talk...Part One

This one is an interesting topic. I was out with a girlfriend a couple of weekends ago, we just chilled and talked. We talked about er'thang under the
sun: friends, careers, children, marriage, hating our weight..ugh that's always a tough to talk about and of course MEN!!!
When it came to the topic of friends, we spoke about how some friendships require so much work to maintain, those, at my age..by the way i just turned 39, have no time for. My circle...WOW!!! this group does not require the every minute of the day phone calls, texts, email, etc. When we speak it is as if time stood still for us and we just picked up where we left off. Now, that's a friendship. In times of good and bad we're there for each other without all the drama. What I love most about my circle is there are no judgments. We've all done our fair share of dirt and when spoken out loud, you just feel, "this is it, this is what is going to cause the demise of this great friendship and they'll want nothing to do with me ever, cause im this horrible person that led them to believe I'm something I'm not." Then they do something to amaze you, they respond, "Is that it? Mang, we thought you killed somebody and if you did, that's okay, just tell us where we need to bury the body, we got you!!!" Okay, you guys do realize there is no dead body? I didn't kill anyone, I was just showing how these amazing people have my back, no matter what!!!
Careers..that was the next topic we spoke of. We talked about how ambitious we are and what we need to do to get the brass ring. Looking back at my various career choices, I have always managed to move up the ranks within no time. Unfortunately, the down side to that is a lot of sacrificing. I remember when I was younger, I was looking at old pictures of my family at different functions. I looked at one of my brothers at the circus, and thought, "I don't remember ever going to the circus" so I asked, "where was I, when this was taken?" They responded, "Working." Then I saw a picture of them in the snow, NOW I know I wasn't there, because I saw snow for the first time when I was pregnant with my son, 5 years ago. So, I asked, "where was I when THIS was taken?" the responded, "Working." Another picture was of them, at what seemed like a family reunion, I saw pictures of cousins I hadn't seen in years. When I asked,. "where was..." they stopped me in mid sentence, "WORKING!!!! You were ALWAYS working Lisa, you missed out on a lot of stuff we did. We sometime forgot we had a sister." Wow, that hit hard.
Does the sacrificing stop? The answer to that is, No. Instead of siblings forgetting they have a sister, it's children wondering where there Mother is, a husband playing both parents so his wife can get to where she needs to. I keep trying to tell myself this is not going to be forever, but only until we can get some breathing room. Hmmm, I tend to wonder, will there ever be ANY breathing room? Will the sacrificing ever stop?
Children. This topic is a bittersweet one. Oh, to be a child again without a care in the world. Remember how easy things seemed to be when were kids. No matter what we needed or wanted for that matter all we had to do was ask.
Well, until my Mom and Dad split up and it was a bit more difficult to get what I needed much less what I wanted. Being a parent has changed my perspective on life so much. I grew up in Santa Ana in the barrio and very proud of that. As far as I was concerned my life was as good as good can be and I did not complain. I always knew that I would live in my neighborhood and marry one of my best friends...yes, they were all guys, stay in our neighborhood and raise our children there. They would go to the same schools we went to and have the great memories we did of school. I never thought of where our school had ranked in the nation as far as academics went nor sports. All I knew, was we went there, so they'll go there. College? Well, if they wanted to go then we would help pay for them to go, if not, that would be okay, too. Boy, was I mistaken. I left my neighborhood, lost my virginity to someone whom I thought I was in love with, but later to find out I was more in lust than love and had my daughter. I became a single mother at the age of 23. Not exactly the plan I had, but I made it work. So when it came to what school MY daughter was going to go to, I started looking up where they ranked in academics, the grading was 1-10, 1 being worse, 10 being best. I looked up my old high school, we ranked at a 3...A THREE!!!!!!!!! Wow, no she will not be going there. Colleges...well, she doesn't just want to go to A college, she wants to go to several. Don't know how we're going to do it, but we're going to make sure it is done. I have told her, the world is hers, all she has to do is go out there and take it, and attending a school that is ranked a 3, will not be the way to go!
One the toughest topics came up next.....Marriage. You know when we got married we never really, I mean really looked at the vows that we were reciting for the whole congregation to hear. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness this man and this woman in holy matrimony...blah, blah, blah, blah,....then the questions get presented to you.... "Do you take ___ as your lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Hmmm, let's revisit these...for better or for worse? Mmmm, I personally think my husband got the short end of this stick....he's better and I'm worse. Whol'nother (yeah, not sure about this word, but I'll make it work, you know what I mean!!) Oprah, there. Next!! Sickness and in health...again worse...not exactly a Florence Nightingale there, never took the oath, I try....but do I try hard enough though? Ah...richer or for poorer...THERE! THAT's THE ONE...that's the one that fucked us all up!!! Especially those of us that were in the mortgage industry. When spouses were losing their jobs, it put us all on a whol'nother (yes, there's that "word" again...I'm trying) level of stress that we could never have imagined. Role reversals were happening...men staying at home and women holdin' down for the family.
Husbands still expecting their wives to give more and never saying, "I appreciate all you do!!! You ARE my QUEEN!!!" Instead, what is being said is, "Why was your check so low? How are we going to make it all work? Can't you get another raise? Can't you get a second job?" Lots of marriages have fallin' apart during these times because the money talked for the marriages.
As long as the money was there, there was no need to ever communicate. You had a bad day at work, instead of going home and discussing it..you went out and paid for a round of drinks with you co-workers. You got into a fight with your spouse, instead of locking yourselves in the bedroom to fight it out...you went to purchase those $800 boots you were eyeing for a week and needed a good excuse to purchase them. Marriage isn't something that should be taken lightly. I was talkin' to a friend and he made a point that stop me in my tracks, " Women, when thinking about marriage only think of the wedding day, never the day after nor the life after "The Day" and it's because of this that marriages nowadays don't last." Then I started thinking, "Was I one of those women? Did only concentrate on "The Day"? No...not me? Really?

That's it for today...my head hurts...I'll finish the rest of the topics tomorrow.

One Year Later and going strong....with God's help!!

Our one year anniversary has passed and we're going strong and can only thank God for that. It's been a rough year but without that Faith in God in our lives and in our unit I don't know if we would have made it!!!
I sent an email out earlier to my close friends expressing the love of God and that that intimacy is what one needs in their life. I know some of you may be reading this and think, "Wow she's gotten all churchy and God like..what's that about?"

If you had the year our family had, you'd know why. It's not that I am trying to get preachy with anyone, its just when people have no faith they look at their future with such a dim light, they need some hope.

Last night I was looking at my wedding video (again..I love reliving THAT moment) and our best man, whom is also my brother-in-law, said. "I look at Michael and Dleesaa and the life they have ahead of them and how fortunate they are to have found each other" something to that effect. You know what? Without Michael I don't know if my spirit would have made it this far. Its been broken, split apart, ripped apart, spit on, laugh at, to the point of What's the point? Then Came Michael....and you know what? He lifted my spirit to new heights that I could never imagine it could be lifted to and you know who did that? God..God did that. He saw that my life was dim and needed hope and he brought this amazing man in my life, who tells me, "No worry Babe, there is nothing WE can't handle together". I love him sooo much and the love that I feel for him is so deep that the Love I have for God is mucher deeper because He has allowed a love like ours to exist. That love is so indescribable because of what HE has done for me..for us and to continue to do for our family.

My wish for all of you is to have this type of Love in your hearts and tell your children NOT to be ashamed of that Love. It's that Love and love of your family that will get you through all the hurdles in life that will come your their way.

Til my next Sermon...;-)
Much Blessings,
Dleesaa

Stress keeps you up at night...

Hola Mi Gente, it's been a while since I've been on here and I know some of you are wondering where have I been. Well my marriage is great no problems under this roof. We ARE however, having issues with the in-law house. I hoping nothing too determental but that is only up to the in-laws and what they're going to do about it. Has nothing to do with us. I just pray for them.
What's really been happeing is this whole mess with the mortgage industry. Some of you who are aware know that the industry took a big hit with its subprime division, making it harder for companies like my husband's to survive. It's funny I've always been the optimistic one out of the two of us and now i find myself being the pessimist. Who'd have known that we'd switch roles when it matter most. I stay up late at night, not surfing on the web for new shoes or what trip to take but how we're going to manage to pay the mortgage, babysitting, car payment or how will i cover my mother's rent this month. Sometimes, like now, I cry and pray for a miracle..a change of some sort just to make it through the next week. There are some out there that think just because my husband is part owner of this company we get what we want through company funds, what they don't know is how they are stuggling to make sure they're employees get a paycheck for the hard work they put in to help them function. Some people just have it soooo twisted.
My family and i leave for New York this week to visit family and i'm actually looking forward to it..one, because i love New York so much...what's there not to like ;-) but mainly because we're taking two friends that have never been there and there is nothing like when you see a city you've been to a dozens of times before but this time through the eyes of a person who is seeing it for the first time...THAT'S an amazing emotion. I want to take them all over the city even to the spots that others may feel are.."not worth it" but to these two...EVERY part of the city will be worth it. I get so jaded by all the crap surrounding me everyday sometimes i lose touch of the things that really matter and this trip will be perfect for me to gain the perspective i have lost.
Hopefully it won't be too long before i'm on here again, telling you all the crazy ass shit i'm going through. Besos MiGente...I wish you enough!!!!

Its just one of dem days

I'm on one of those days...have you ever had one of those days that everyone you look at is just STUPID!!!! That's where I'm at today. Certain things I can tolerate other things i can't and stupidity is definitely one that I CAN NOT tolerate. No matter how much you tell a person what can be done and what can't...doesn't matter the stupidity just takes over. UGH!!!!!
I think I told you guys that I'm in the mortgage industry and the industry gets pretty stressful especially if you have your phone ringing off the hook and every asking what's going on with their file. I had one file come to me and then the LO (loan officer) asking when are we getting docs...WHAT!!!! Muthaf%&$r!!!! we just got the file...and now your asking for docs???!!! UGH!!!
Yesterday, i had to cancel "datenight" with my best friend cuz of shit i had to do...do I regret it? HELL YA i do...i really needed that Martini...just to calm my nerves UGH!!!
I was readintg a lil about my blood type and it was telling me that MY bloodtype is common and I could give blood to ANYONE!!!! However...not just anyone can give me blood...has to my own type..why am i telling you this? Because it goes on to tell me that my blood type tends to need ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!! Is that some funny ass shit for you...I friggin need ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!! Can you imagine all those people I could give blood to? They all would be filled with my anger management needing ass blood and let out into the world!!!! See ...that's what Bush needs to do is let me give blood to the friggin armed forces and let the troops loose and point out ALL the stupid people (ANY ONE WHO HATES US)...what a happy world it would be then...
Now...as i'm re-reading this for spell check...I guess an Anger Management class wouldn't be tooooo bad..............AH HELL NA!!!!! They can KISS MY ASS!!!!!!
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...today just isn't that day.